Teenage fantasy
by imgoingbackto505
Summary: Lara Jean just turned 26 and she made a decision: she'll focus on her career. She doesn't want to fall in love with any guy anytime soon. However...
1. Birthday

I just got home after an exhausting day at work. I put the car keys on our dining table, and drop my bag on a chair. "Liz? Are you there?" I call for my roommate. No answer. I take off my shoes and go straight to the kitchen. When I open the fridge and there's a red velvet cake half eaten. This is what is left from my birthday cake. Yesterday, Liz threw a surprise party for my 26th birthday. She's not just my roommate, she's my bestfriend. We met at UNC, I don't really remember when. It seems like she's been there all along.

As I grab a slice of my cake, I hear my phone buzzing.

_**Gael: can I come over? Got you a gift**_

Gael is my neighbor. We met a month ago when I was leaving the building and he was entering, holding his bike up. "Hi neighbor! Can I ask you something? I have some trouble with my apartment; do you have the building manager's contact?" After that, we started hanging out and getting to know each other. Suddenly, things started to evolve and now we're a _thing._ I don't really think is a good idea to get evolved with my neighbor, but he's a guy that literally every woman would have a crush. He kind of reminds me of Jon Snow, because of the long dark curly hair, and his pale skin. Gael works at a publicity agency, and he's also a part time artist. His house is full of drawings, sculptures and posters. And he is adorable.

_**Lara Jean: you really didn't have to! I got to pack my bags, I'm visiting my family tomorrow. Sorry **___

_**Gael: I don't mind helping. Pleeeeease **_

_**Lara Jean: ok, but you're not staying over! :P**_

About 20 minutes later he knocks on my door. "Hi there" he greets me with a quick peck. He's holding a book-sized box, wrapped up in a beautiful rosé gold paper, it has a card with my name on the top.

"What did I tell you about gifts?" I sigh.

"C'mon, you're not even curious?" He chuckles as I roll my eyes. Gael sits on the couch and hands me the box, I rip the wrapping and open it. The gift he gave is a book I've been wishing for ages "The War Has No Female Face". My eyes are sparkling as I give him a hug.

"But you really didn't have to!"

"Can't you just kiss me and say 'thank you'? I've never met such a stubborn woman" I'm still in his arms so he leans to kiss me. I whisper starring at his mouth "thank you".

We're at my room and he's laying on my bed, playing with a fuzzy pillow while I'm folding clothes to fill my bags.

"Is Liz on call tonight?" he asks.

"Yes. I was supposed to be on call tonight to but I managed to switch with Audrey, thank God. If I don't get home soon my dad is coming to kidnap me from my job"

"Isn't he a physician too? He should be used to your crazy schedule". One thing I like about Gael is that he remembers every little detail I tell him about myself.

"Well he is, but it doesn't mean that he is ok with me not visiting for so long. I thought he was going to cry when I told him I'm taking a little vacation. My father is very attached to us."

"I see. He seems like a nice guy, though. I'd like to meet Dr. Covey"

I clear my throat. I really like Gael, but I intent to takes things slowly. I made a promise to myself that I would spend this year focusing on my career and I really don't want to fall in love with him. Or with any other guy.

I spent most of my teenage days reading classic romances and dreaming of a prince charming. When I was 16 I had my first love, Peter Kavinsky. We started dating on high school and had a long distance relationship when I moved to North Carolina. I thought we would marry someday. One weekend planned to surprise him and drove all the way to UVA. When he opened his dorms door, he widens his eyes to me. He didn't look happy though, he looked shocked. I didn't understand until a female's voice say "Peter? Who's that?". Peter was shirtless, using only his underwear; he said in a stammering voice "Lara Jean, this is not what you thinking". That sentence just confirmed everything to me. My first love, the boy I had my first time with, was cheating on me.

Despite this misfortune, I was still a romantic girl. So there were two men I fell in love after Peter K. Alex Grant, he was a law student that I met at one park, when his Siberian husky decided to chase my bag of bagels. He was Colombian, but he lived in US since he was a child. He was always naturally tanned because he spends his vacation surfing with his brother in his hometown. On Friday nights we used to cook Korean and Colombian food to learn more about each other culture. We dated for a couple years.

How did Alex and I break up? Well, after almost two years together things were just not the same. One day, I received a message in my facebook that made me wonder if I really loved Alex. John Ambrose McLaren had sent me a picture of me and Stormy at Belleview with the caption "look what I just found"; I was holding her, as she was chuckling looking at the camera. I remember she hated that picture because the wrinkles around her mouth were showing. I miss her so much.

From that day on, John and I started text each other, and more and more I was feeling guilty about it, even though we literally were just chating. At some point I realized I still had feelings for John, and it was just not fair with Alex. I really didn't want him to feel like I did when Peter cheated on me.

Three months after Alex and I broke up, I was officially dating John. I couldn't believe we were actually in a real relationship after so many years of mismatches. John was an amazing boyfriend; we even adopted a dog together. After three years we decided to move together, and I gave up in the last minute. John would be the perfect husband any woman would ever wish for. But I'm only 26, I'm really not feeling like getting married right now. Everyday John would talk about how he wants to have like five kids and live in an inner city; I didn't really understand how my career was going to fit in his dream life. I suggested us to take a break, but he didn't like it. He said maybe I should marry my career instead, since that's all I care for. We broke up about 6 months ago.

Gael snaps his fingers "Lara Jean? Are you ok?" He's starring me with a confused look.

"Sure, I was just trying to make a mental checklist of what I still have to grab before leaving." I reply. "Gael, I don't want to rude, but it's kind of late. I'll leave at 6am so I'm heading to my bed soon…"

He come to me and holds my waist from behind. He whispers in my ear "I was kind of hoping you asked me to stay…" I shiver. Shit, I really can't fall in love with him. Or any guy.

"Sorry, I warned you" I say as I get away from his hug. "Thanks for coming, though. You can keep the rest of my bday cake" I try not to seem such a cold hearted, but if he doesn't leave now he'll probably stay the night.

"Fine…" Gael looked kind of disappointed, but he picked up the rest of the cake and left. Before leaving, he stopped by my door and said "hey, I'm gonna miss my favorite neighbor"

"It's only two weeks, I'll be right back". We kissed goodbye and he took the elevator to his place.

…

When I wake up, Liz is laying on our couch like a dead body. She still wearing the clothes she used yesterday. I try to be as silent as possible not to wake her up. I grab my luggage and head to my car. I leave her a note "Just left, take care. Love you!".

_I just took a dna test turns out I'm a hundred percent that b** _

_Even when I'm crying crazy_

_Yeah I got boys problems that's the human in me_

_Bling bling then I solve 'em that's the goddess in me_

My windows are down and I'm singing loud. I'm about 10 min from my dad's house right now. It's funny how I was so scare of driving when I was 16; nowadays I love to drive by myself and sing the whole route.

I just stopped at the red light, I keep singing and dancing (in a very awkward way) while I wait.

_Why men great till they gotta be great?_

_Don't text me tell straight to my face_

The car on my right is downing its window. I feel my face burn. What are the odds? Peter Kavinsky is staring at me laughing like hell. He horns and screams "Sup Covey!"

That's only my first day of vacation.

_a/n_

_Hi there. It's the first time I'm writing a fanfic and English is not my mother language so please be patient to me. If you see bad grammar, feel free to correct me. If you like this chapter, let me know so I'll keep writing. Disclaimer: I don't own this characters, I'm just obsessed over Jenny Han's books._


	2. Stalkers

I frowned as I look at him. Peter K was laughing so hard he would wipe tears off. This made me really mad at him.

Green light.

He started to call my name: "Hey Lara Jean..."

I angrily accelerate and saw his car disappear in my mirrors. Who does this guy think he is?

...

Kitty helped me to unload my car. She's just home for the weekend, she now studies at UVA. We spent our afternoon baking dad's and Trina's favorite cookies.

Whe videochat with Margot at dinner time. She still lives in Scotland, so she comes to visit them less often then I do. She's talking about the organization of her wedding. I can't believe my sister is getting marry next year! Margot and Andrew have been together for the past couple years. We met him last Christmas, and he seems like a really Margot-type of guy: smart, kind of nerdy and full of plans for the future.

After dinner I'm just exhausted, so I just head to my bed and I'm staring at the ceiling. I grab my phone and post a selfie of me with my family I just took at dinner table.

"Guess who followed me on Instagram?" Kitty is entering my room, without a knock. She sit on my bed and get her feet inside my blankets.

"Who?" I'm not really interested, but I haven't seen my sister in a while so I make an effort.

"You won't believe it. Peter fucking Kavinsky!"

I widen my eyes at her words. "What the f...?"

"I know!" She yells. "I forgot about his existence. Do you feel like stalking him?" She's got her phone in her hands and she's opening Instagram, searching his name. I bit my lip. Once we broke up I blocked him in all social media so he wouldn't talk to me anymore. it's been like about 5 years without hearing any news from him. Of course I came to Virginia between this years, but I mostly come for the holidays and with with my ex-boyfriend. So probably if he ever saw me, he didn't talked to me. Before I made my mind up if I want to know about my ex, Kitty already made her investigative work.

"He lives in New York, he works at a technology company. I guess he turned out to be rich, I mean this Audi is way better than his old one" she's moving throught his posts "wanna see it?" She handles me the phone. "Ok let me see". I take a deep breath and give it a look. Most of the posts are pictures of him drinking expensive beers with a bunch of suit and tied guys. There are some pictures of him running, of course he is shirtless (so Peter) showing a body that you can tell he still workout everyday and eat no carbs. A bunch of pictures of NYC. I'm running my fingers through the screen when I accidentally click on his Stories. There's a repost of a picture. A blond girl siting on a bed with a bouquet of red roses and smiling at the camera, she is shirtless and her breasts are covered by a white blanket. The caption "treat your girl right"

I hand the phone back to Kitty. "That's enough. I blocked him for a reason, right?"

"Yeah, enough. It's funny though, he followed me the same day you arrived" I didn't told her what happened earlier. It doesn't matter, either way. We change subject and talk about her new life on college, until we fall sleep. Even though she's not a child anymore, we still love to sleep together when I come home. I wish I could talk to her like this everyday...

...

Next morning I'm heading to the market to buy a bunch of ingredients. Tonight we're having a pizza night, but we are going to make them from scratch. I invited Kitty to come along but she was too lazy to get out of bed.

I'm grabbing some cheese when I hear a familiar voice.

"I didn't got the chance to say hello" I turn around and Peter Kavinsky is holding a basket, staring at me.

"Are you stalking me or something?" I try to look annoyed, but I admit part of me is curious to talk to him.

"Or something" he giggles "My mom treats me like a slave when I'm home" he shake's the basket in his hands. "Are you back in town or just visiting?"

"Visiting." I started to look at the shelf so I would not seem interested in this conversation. I grab random products and pretend to read the labels on it

"Right... Just for the weekend?"

"No, I'm on vacation"

"Hey Covey... It's been like ages... I'd really like to catch up sometime" I can't help myself from looking at him. What? Why? "I mean, I know you probably hate me but I'd like to talk if you're available..."

"I don't hate you, like you said it's been ages" that's my ego talking. I don't want him to think he's such a big deal to me. I want him to realize I forgot about his existence and moved on with my life.

"So... Are you free tomorrow night? Give me your phone number so we can set up" he hands me his phone. I know I probably shouldn't, but I give him my number. It's not a big deal.

"Maybe. I'll let you know" I try to sound as indifferent as I can.

It's so awkward how Peter and I used to be so intimate and now it's like he's a complete stranger to me. His hair is longer, he grew a beard and he looks so stronger. He's no longer the boy I fell in love when I was 16. Yet, something about his smile and the way he says my name, those things didn't changed at all. He was the first boy who saw me naked and now he doesn't even have my phone number

When I get home Kitty is already awake. "Morning sis. Which one do you prefer?" She hands me her phone and show me pictures of flower tattoos.

"You thinking of getting one of those?" I widen my eyes. "Like, this big? Dad will freak out you know that"

"He won't know if you don't tell him" she says in a simple way. "I'm 19 Lara Jean, I don't even live here anymore"

"Whatever Kitty" I roll up my eyes. I'm putting the groceries in the fridge. "Where are dad and Trina by the way?"

"At the gym. Can you believe that? Trina is forcing dad to workout with her." I really love dad's and Trina's relationship. They are like best friends, always doing things together even though one of them hates it. She's taking him to the gym, but she's always watching his documentaries with him.

My phone buzzes at the table and I feel kind of anxious to reach it. Is it Peter?

_**Gael: mornin**_

_**Gael: how are things going with the coveys**_

I feel the urge to tell him. I know it sound weird, but I would say we are like friends with benefits. Also, after I got cheated, I promised myself I would always be totally honest with people, don't matter what. Although, there's nothing to be said. I just bumped into my ex, no big deal.

_**Lara Jean: great. Having a pizza night tonight **_

_**Gael: mmmm... Already missing your cooking skills. I'm having noodles for dinner :(**_

_**Lara Jean: I left some lasagna for Liz, ask her to get you some**_

_**Gael: have I told how amazing you are?**_

"Who are you talking to? You're smiling at your phone" Kitty wakes me up from my thoughts. We both sit on the couch in the leaving room. We're eating strawberries I bought earlier from a bowl.

"Gael. He's my... Well he is a friend." A friend who happens to sleep on my bed almost every night, but still just a friend.

"I see. What about that "one year single" thing?"

"I promised myself I won't have a serious relationship at least not for a year so I can focus on my career. But that doesn't mean I'm no man at all!"

"That's the hard part of being single sis, the lacking of sex"

"Kitty!" I feel my cheeks burn. My little sister was never ashamed to say the first thing that comes to her mind. We are both adults, but it still is so uncomfortable to talk about sex with her. She's chuckling at me now.

"Don't be such a baby, Lara Jean"

Dad and Trina are home, and of course we change subject.

...

We're making pizzas at the kitchen. I'm doing the pizza dough, Kitty is doing the stuffing and Trina is making us pineapple juice. Dad will be in charge of washing the dishes.

Buzz. It's my phone. It's a message from an unknown contact. Is it Peter?

_**Peter: did you gave me the right number? Or you just wrote some random numbers to get rid of me?**_

Well, it's definitely Peter

_**Lara Jean: I'm sorry, who is this? **_

_**Peter: Lara Jean? It's Peter**_

_**Lara Jean: I gave you my right number so would stop stalking me all over the city.**_

_**Peter: Fine, call me a stalker then. What about tomorrow night?**_

_**Lara Jean: what about it?**_

_**Peter: C'mon Covey, I'll buy you a drink. I won't bite I promise. It's been ages, I just want to spend some time with my old friend.**_

I don't really understand why all of a sudden he wants to see me. It's been 5 years without any sign of Peter in my life. Why is he interested in my life now? I hated him for a long time after we broke up. Honestly, now I don't hate him anymore. The time passed and I just got over. I realized that we were too young and immature to deal with long distance relationship.

I have to admit I'm curious. What happened in his life after me? I wonder how many girls he loved after we broke up... Maybe I want to talk to him after all.

_**Lara Jean: 8pm. Don't be late.**_

_**Peter: I won't.**_

Trina and dad are both distracted setting the dinner table so I approach Kitty and whisper

"I'm going out with Peter tomorrow"

She widen her eyes and her mouth forms a "WHAT THE F...?" in silence. I look at her with "i explain it later" eyes.

...

"What is he thinking? What are you thinking Lara Jean? I really don't know what this is about" We are in my room, Kitty is painting my nails in a nude tone.

"Neither do I. Just please don't tell Margot yet. She would freak out."

"Sure she would. I guess it's ok though. I mean, first we know he have a girlfriend so he probably just wanna talk to you."

"Having a girlfriend was never a problem for Peter"

"...and second you'll get a closure"

"Closure? I broke up with him Kitty, there's nothing else to say about it"

"You yelled 'we're done' and ran away. You never talked to him about that"

"I didn't have anything to say!

"Yes you did and you still do. You wonder why he did that, you wonder if he did it more than once and you wonder if he did it when you were still living here.

I was speechless. It seemed like Kitty read my mind. I never said any of this things out loud, but she's right; I always wondered.

"Since your going out with your ex boyfriend, tomorrow we're going shopping. You need a revenge dress Lara Jean"

I roll my eyes, but I agree. A little shopping never killed nobody, right?

...

Kitty made try on so many outfits I was getting annoyed. She said I should wear something sexy, but not too sexy. And fancy, so he would notice I'm a successful woman. And cute at the same time so he can tell I didn't changed much. In the end, I choose lace rose top that's partially-sheer and a black leather skirt. I'll use it with high knee boots.

We come home soon because it's already sunday and Kitty needs to go back to UVA. I help her pack her stuff and drop her there. The last time I've been inside UVA was when Peter and I broke up. Driving here just makes me anxious about tonight. Gosh, what am I doing?

_A/n_

_Hi there, hope you guys enjoy this new chapter! Feel free to correct my bad grammar. Please, send me reviews saying if you liked it!_


	3. Apologies

It's already 7:30pm. I showered, got dressed and put on some make up. I grab my phone and there are no signs of Peter. I open my Instagram, the first post that pops up is a picture of my ex boyfriend, John. He's in the nature barefoot. He's smiling at the camera, holding a bottle of water. Caption: "reconect."

John hardly ever post things on social media, he doesn't like to expose his life. He used to get annoyed at me when I took pictures of him. Something about this makes me sense that he moved on. Maybe his new girlfriend took this picture.

The thought of it makes me feel like my heart is breaking in tiny little pieces. I know we broke up, but deep down I was kind of hoping we would eventually get back together in a couple years and figure it all out. I didn't wanted to lose him, I just wanted a break...

I feel my eyes starting to burn as tears are forming in the corner of my eyes. I take a deep breath - I don't want to cry, not right now...

20pm and no sign of Peter. I feel so stupid! I'm here wanting to hangout with my ex who cheated on me, while my perfect ex boyfriend is probably cuddling with his new girl. That's exactly the reason why I should just focus on my career. Boys... I mean men just make our lives so complicated.

My phone is buzzing, it's Peter.

"Hey there, I'm outside"

I head to his car. He now drives a fanciest car, but it's also a two seat Audi. Peter meets my gaze as I get in his car and keep staring at me for a while.

"Were you crying?" He asks with a concerned look.

"No... I was cooking... cutting onions you know?" I try to sound ok, but it was a terrible excuse.

"Right. So, dinner?"

Peter takes me to an Italian restaurant. I can't tell if he remembers about my love for Italian food, or he just picked any restaurant.

We order our food and then he stares at me for a while.

"You changed a lot, I almost didn't recognized you" he starts. He grab his phone, text something and turn it off.

"You did too" I reply. I'm kind of blushing because he keeps staring at me. Well, I did change a lot. My hair is now shorter, and I don't have that teenage body anymore. And back when we dated I hardly ever wore make up.

"So, what happened to you after college? Did you became dr. Song Covey already?" The waiter is serving us. I stare at my food while I answer. It's hard to keep his gaze since he's smiling in a way that is making me feel like I'm 16 again.

"Well, I'm an intern. But soon I'll be a general surgeon."

"I knew you would turned out to have an amazing career. Damn Covey, that's awesome" he raise his glass to me and wink. Geez, why am I feeling my cheeks burn?

"And what about you?"

"I'm working in a marketing company, boring. But it's a great job though. I moved to New York a couple years ago"

"So you're visiting your mom?"

"Yes... I needed her help to deal with some stuff..." He change subject "How's your family? I saw pictures of Kitty I felt so old!"

"They're fine. She's at UVA actually."

"Nice. She's an amazing girl, I miss her"

Well, you could still talk to her if you didn't cheated on her sister. But it's fine, it was ages ago. I don't say anything because I'm cursing him in my head.

"How long are you staying?"

"Two weeks, I'm on vacation"

"That sounds good. I'll have time to hear all the stories about the past 5 years no see" he winks at me again. I don't know why but this is making me annoyed

"Right. Now are you going to tell me what is this about? Why after so many years you decided you're suddenly interested in my life?" I say this words in a neutral tone, I don't want to be rude. I make it seem like is just a casual question.

He's speechless. Peter sighs, and seems like he's trying to say something really hard to tell.

"... I don't know what to say Lara Jean. I saw you driving that day and I had the urge to talk to you. I never thought you'd talk to me ever again"

"I didn't intent to..."

Peter clear his throat.

"I know I was a jerk. When I got into college things were messed up in my head. I dated Genevieve for a long time and then... then we started dating. I know it's a terrible thing to say but I felt like I didn't enjoy my teenage days..."

Ouch. That was way harsh to listen.

"Don't get me wrong. What we had it was special, I loved you so much. But I was always the guy who had a long distance relationship. We were like 19, guys were always making fun of me..."

"Peter that's enough. It was ages ago and you really didn't have to ask me out just to tell me you cheated on me because you wanted casual sex and your college friends encouraged you to. I probably shouldn't have give you my number..."

"No wait, that's not even the point. I'm not trying justifiy anything. I regret it like everyday. I never meant to hurt you the way I did. And I'm really sorry about that. You didn't deserve it at all"

"What do you expect me to say? I moved on Peter. I forgot about you, I really did. It's nice that you finally realized what a terrible boyfriend you were, though" In this moment I'm greatfull that I ordered wine. The more I sip from my glass, the more I feel secure to say what I really feel.

"I just... I just wish I could turn back and erase this mistake. I hate that you remember me this way." He doesn't look as confident as he did when he picked me up. He seems defeated.

"Since you want to talk about it, let's talk about it. Tell me all about it."

"About what?" Peter raise his eyebrows.

"About our relationship. About you cheating on me."

"Lara Jean, I..."

"Was it a once time thing?" I put my hair up in a bun. I notice he gives a glace at my neck, and turn his eyes back to mine.

"I... Do you really want to talk about it?"

"You were the one who asked me out. Answer me, it's the least you could do."

Peter swallow my words. He know it's my right to know it.

"No it wasn't... I got drunk and I.. I kissed that girl at a party, a week before. I didn't remember much, I didn't realize what I did till the morning after when she texted me. The day you discovered. She appeared at my door and it kind of happened..." Peter is no longer looking at me, he's staring his food, ashamed.

"Did you ever cheat on me with any other girl?"

"No, I didn't"

"Not even Gen?"

"Gen? No... I wouldn't... I mean she tried to kiss me sometimes when you and I were together, but I never did. Never."

"Was it good?"

Peter widen his eyes "what...?"

"Was. It. Good? Having sex with that girl? Was it worth it?" I'm holding my tears. I don't know how I got the nerve to speak up.

"Lara Jean I don't really..."

"It's fine. Well, now you don't have anything else to tell me, so I better get going..." I'm grabbing my purse and he stops me, holding my hand. Maybe because of the little alcohol I had, his touch send shivers all along my body. We stare for a second.

"I still have something to tell you." I sit back again.

"All these years I wanted to talk to you. To tell you how sorry I am. I felt so disgusting... But after we broke up, you blocked me. I tried to talk to Kitty, but she didn't answered me. Margot blocked me as well. I didn't got the nerve to try your dad. But I couldn't find you anywhere. One day I was driving around and saw you with another guy. That day I realized the best I could do was to leave you alone. So a couple years ago I was on Instagram and saw a picture of John McLaren kissing you. I guess he doesn't even know I follow him. And that was the day I thought my chances were gone. You would probably marry him. It hurted like hell, to realize you would end up with him after all.

I was the one speechless now. It took me a while to answer.

"What do you mean? You threw it all away the day I saw you with that girl. I forgave you, I did. But you broke my heart like no one ever did" I feel tears burning and I'm no longer able to hold them back.

"Please don't cry... I just wanted you to know you were the best girlfriend a guy could ever ask. And I did love you. I still do."

I'm so angry with this conversation. I can't believe I'm here talking with my ex boyfriend about how he cheated on me and still loves me after so many years. He doesn't got the right to say those things. I'm so mad at him, I'm not even thinking before talking.

"Don't you have a girlfriend Peter? Does she know you are here telling your ex girlfriend you still love her?"

"How would you know that?"

"It doesn't matter..."

"... I do have a girlfriend. But it's just complicated."

"Ok. I better go"

"Let me take you home at least?" He's paying the bill. He didn't mention anything about sharing it. Fine, I deserve a free meal.

"I probably should call an Uber"

"Lara Jean, please?"

...

We're on his car and I'm in silence staring at the window. He suddenly stares at me and say in a low voice.

"I missed talking to you, even if it was more like an argue." He is smiling. He's trying to soften the mood I guess.

I try not to chuckle. Why is Peter so... Peter?

"I have to tell you something..." He sighs, his eyes fixed on the road now. "I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had it all planned. I even bought her a ring..."

What?

"We came here so she would meet my mom and I was going to take her out tonight. It wasn't going to be that special... Then I saw you the other day. And it all changed."

I can't ignore this, I'm looking at him waiting for his words feeling anxious.

"When I saw you I realized the reason I cheated on you was mainly because I didn't have a time for thinking things straight. I was young and I spent most of my days trying to figure Gen out. I felt like you were the right girl for me, and we would marry one day. And that scared the hell out of me. I knew you would be the successful woman you are today. And what about me? I didn't even know what I was going to do after college... I felt like I met you at the wrong time. It was such a serious relationship and I was only 19. So I screw up.."

I hate what he did to me. But I'm familiar with this feeling. When John and I were together, people would always ask me when we were going to marry, if we wanted kids. I just felt so overwhelmed.

"I went back home and talked to her. I told her about what happened with you back then, and told her I'm not ready to marry, have kids and whatever society say 26 year old people should be doing. I just started my career, I want to travel, to see the world... Of course, she didn't take it well. She went back to NY." I hear sorrow in his words. It's the first time I feel some kind of understanding between us tonight.

"I understand what you did. Back then. It doesn't mean it was fair to me. It was the worst way you could deal with it. I'm glad you learned something from that though."

"I'm an adult now, I got to assume my mistakes" he's smiling, but it doesn't reach his eyes.

...

"I know I don't have the right to ask, you don't have to answer. Are you and McLaren still together?" Peter parked the car in front of my house.

"No. We broke up about 5 months ago." I'm detaching my seat belt. "I actually choose to be single, for a whole year. I'm 26 and all my life I'm dealing with boys drama. I'm really focused on become a surgeon right now, and that takes time and hours of studying. I need to figure myself out before dealing with a new relationship"

"That was deep, Covey" he's making fun of me.

"Don't call me Covey, you lost that privilege." I say it in a serious tone, but I laugh at his disappointed face.

"Fine Dr. Covey. I'm really sorry I've been disrespectful to you" he's laughing too now. Suddenly as we stop laughing he meets my gaze and we stay like that for a while. Something about tonight makes me feel young again. Makes me want to stay with him longer.

"You look so amazing tonight. I'm just happy to spend sometime with you"

I don't know how I'm going to tell Kitty about this, but the next thing I do...

I kiss Peter. And he kisses me back. It starts low and insecure, but it turn out that we're still familiar with each other mouths. But it's way better. His fingers are dancing I my neck, and that makes me shiver. He whisper, staring at my lips.

"It's early. Why don't you come over to my place?" He bites my earlobe, softly.

"Maybe we shouldn't..."

"C'mon... It's been years Covey" he's teasing me "we still have a lot to talk about"

What's so wrong with spending the night with my ex, right? It's not like we are signing a contract...

...

_A/N_

_Would you guys forgive Peter? What do you think Lara Jean should do about him? I'm curious to hear your opinions about it! _


	4. Kavinsky

A/n: hi there, here is your new chapter! Hope you enjoy it. Don't forget to review!

I kissed Peter Kavinsky. The first boy I ever loved. The first boy I had a serious relationship. The first boy who broke my heart. I don't know why I did this. I was angry with him just a few minutes before. I guess I was just curious if it would be some how familiar. Or maybe it was just the wine? It doesn't matter. It was wrong and I'm going to fix this.

Peter's house didn't changed at all, except for a picture of his family on his graduation that's right in the first wall you see as you enter it. He takes my hand an leads me to the kitchen.

"Is your mother home?" I whisper. The last thing I need is to see her.

"No she's at my aunt's tonight." Peter grabs a bottle of wine and give me a glass. He served himself, and drink a sip staring at me with smiling eyes.

"What about Owen?"

"Probably with his girlfriend" it's so weird. When I think about Owen I don't realize he's almost the same age as my sister, I think of that little boy who used to spend hours in his room playing videogames. We sit on the couch, he places the bottle on the coffee table.

"How's like living in NYC"

"Expensive." He laughs about it. "Well I feel like I finally started my life. Got a real job, a nice car... And it pays me enough so I can help my mother. We hired some employees for the store so she can retire."

Even though Peter's mother and I never had a nice relationship, I always admired theirs. Peter would do anything in the world to help his mother.

"Also I bought my own apartment, so I don't have roommates anymore. Wich means I spend most of my days working from home in my birthday suit" the thought of Peter naked with only a laptop on his lap flashes in my head, and I blush a little.

"That's definitely the life you always wished for"

"What about you Dr.?"

"I spend most of my day working and studying. The rest of the time I cook deserts for my friends and I'm trying to include gym in my habits"

"I can tell you are..." Peter says in a low voice.

Suddenly, my phone buzzes on my pocket, and both of us are taken back by it. I grab it and it's a new message. From Gael.

_**"Gael: you should know Liz told me she's not sharing any of her food. I miss you neighbor"**_

He sent me a selfie of him holding a cupnoodles.

Peter is close to me now, so I'm sure he also read the message. I put my phone down and I look at him.

"When were you going to tell you have a boyfriend?" He asks me and I can tell there's a tip of bitterness in his voice.

"I don't... He's not my boyfriend..." I try to explain. "Gael is my neighbor and we hang out sometimes. He's just a friend."

"Friends with benefits, I'm guessing. I never thought you could do that, Covey. You were this romantic girl..." He's giving me a malicious look, like he caught me doing something wrong.

"Neither do I. I guess I'm tired of writing love letters and trying to find a prince charming" it is the true. "When I thought John and I were meant to be, well... I was wrong I guess."

"I have to admit, I can't believe McLaren broke up with you... I mean, the guy had a crush on you for like ages." Peter is really annoyed I bring John's name up. "Bet he will call you as soon as you move on"

Would he? I don't know. The day John left he seemed so cold. The last sentence he told me keeps turning in my head. "You should marry your career, since it's the only thing you care about Lara Jean. I thought you wanted to move in with me. Why are you even thinking of it? What are you afraid of? I think we should break up. You definitely need to figure out what you want in your life.". This memory made me cry a lot in the past months. Now it just makes me sad, it hurts less as the time goes by.

"Peter I.." I don't know how to explain something I don't even know why I did. "About that kiss... I shouldn't have kissed you. I mean, you and your girlfriend are in a messed place right now, I'm your ex girlfriend... It's all too messed up."

"I'm single actually. Before she left she make sure to throw the necklace I gave her on me and tell me to shove it... well you get it. I don't think she would like to see me ever again. Rebeca always dreamt about getting married and stuff." He sighs and take another sip from his glass. "All of her friends keep pressing me. I didn't even choose the damn ring, her best friend emailed me the link and I ordered it online. It wasn't cheap though, it was a fucking Swarovski."

Deep down I see Peter is still the same guy who made me return the necklace he gave me when we broke up on highschool. He's just too proud and cares way to much about spending money.

"Cheers to the "I'm too young to be married" club" he says as he lift his glass like a toast. "I don't even get why is marriage still a thing, it's all going to end up with divorce and shared kids custody..." He rolls up his eyes.

Peter was never ok with his parents divorce. I guess that still affects him.

"I don't think so. I mean, look at my father and Trina. She's even taking him to gym classes, can you imagine that? I just don't understand why people tend to think is like a natural order. Graduation, marriage, kids."

"I'm not really excited about having kids one day. There are way too many people living in this planet already..."

"Peter!" I'm laughing. He's kind of right, but the way he says it. I guess he never learned to be serious with any subject at all.

"No, like seriously. Being married and being a parent that shit is way too serious. It takes dedication... People don't seem to realize the responsibility it implies."

"You're right. That's a really mature thing to say. You don't want to put your future kids through what you and Owen went. That's perfectly understandable" I have a comprehensive look when I say it.

"Damn Covey, not everything I do it's about growing up without a father. You're like Freud or something?" He's laughing but it doesn't reach his eyes. I know I'm right, but he never liked to talk about it. Not even when we were together.

"I take it back! You're just way concerned about the environment" It's really cold inside his house, maybe because it's getting late. I put my hair down and hold my arms.

"It's cold right? My mom is going through that age where she's always sweating... you know? She makes this house seem like a freezer. I'll light up the fireplace, just a sec."

...

We spend the night talking about our life's after college. Peter doesn't play lacrosse anymore, he's just attending to the gym. He manage his mom's store from distance, so she doesn't have to do much. Her only job is to go on garage sales to find the teasures to put on her stock. Peter also tells me more about Rebeca, his girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend now. She's a model and a nutritionist, and they met when they worked in a campaign together. She is like a digital influencer, running a blog about healthy lifestyle.

Peter also tells me that Genevieve and him haven't been in touch for years now. But last year, her mom sent him an invitation to her baby shower. When he texted her, she said it would be better if he didn't show up. She wasn't really over the fact that when Peter and I broke up, she tried to get in touch we him but he avoided her. He thought he could still have a chance with me.

Now it's past midnight. I'm lying on his couch and he is sit on the floor with his yearbook from highschool. We were laughing about our memories of school years.

"It's so late now, I probably should get going" I say as I rub my eyes.

"Still have a curfew Covey?" He closes the yearbook and put it on the coffee table.

"Funny." I give him a fake smile

"I can't take you home right now, we drank two bottles of wine. I could be arrested for drunk driving"

"You don't have to, I can call a Uber you know?" I'm grabbing my phone. Gael sent me another message, hours ago.

_**Gael: let me know when you're free to talk. Don't want to interrupt your family thing. Night Lara jean **_

I didn't realize I was smiling as I read his text. I'm really terrible at texting, I'm always busy so I frequently forget to reply people. Gael is really comprehensive about that. He says he prefers to talk to me in person, either way.

"Is that your friend?" I didn't notice, but Peter was watching me. "Did you tell him about me?"

I put down my phone. I look at Peter with my eyebrows lifted.

"What is it to tell?"

"First, that you went on a date with me. Second, that you kissed me. And third, that you're spending the night with me." Peter lay his head on the couch. The tip of his hair touches my belly. I sit up straight, then.

"I'm not spending the night." What is he talking about. We just kissed. He's laughing and then say in a serious voice.

"Relax Covey, I'm kidding. If you could stay just a little longer, I'll sober up and drive you home. I promise. I not ok with the idea of you drunk on an uber. Would you stay a little longer?

He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. Peter is smiling at me, waiting for my answer.

...


	5. Feelings

_**A/n**__: Hi there! I just wanted to say I loved the reviews! I'd love to read more reviews with your true opinion about the story. Thanks for reading it and reviewing. Hope you enjoy it._

When Peter touches my hand I feel shivers all over my body. He's definitely right, I'm not sober enough to get a Uber by myself. Also, a couple more hours together would not be terrible.

"Fine, I'll wait." Peter looks pleased I said yes to his idea.

"I'll get us some water" he stand up and take the empty bottles and glasses from the coffee table to the kitchen sink. "Owen should be home soon, he's curfew is midnight. Would you like to go upstairs?" He says as he washes the glasses.

"Sure. He'd be confused to see me here" I stand up too to help him.

"Don't mind the dishes, you're my guest" he takes the dishrag out of my hands. His phone buzzes and when he grabs it I see his wallpaper is still a picture of him and his recent ex girlfriend. He seems embarrassed when he notice I saw it.

"It's a message of Owen. He's coming home." He tells me even though I didn't asked anything.

"Peter... Are you ok about what happened with you and Rebeca?"

"I just forgot to change my wallpaper, Covey. It's not a big deal. Let's go upstairs"

...

His bedroom didn't changed at all. The only thing here that doesn't look like a teenager lives here is the bed sheets that seems very expensive. He's luggage is in the corner, clothes falling on the ground. Besides, there are two empty bottles of beer by the window.

I enter right after him. He sits in his desk and I sit on his bed.

"You can lay here too if you want to" I frowned at him so he quickly adds "don't worry, I'll stay right where I am so you won't take advantage of me again."

"Can you speak like 5min with a female without flirt with them? Geez, you are even worse then you were in highschool..." I say it but I do lay down. I'm not only dizzy from the wine but also kind of tired.

"Why would I?" he winks at me.

"Now I'm serious. You were going to marry the girl and she just left you. Aren't you even sad about it?"

"Of course I'm sad. I'm not a heartless person. But what could I do? Things were already complicated before..."

"If you loved her, you should at least fight for her a little" Deep down I feel bad John broke up with me and never talked to me again. It makes me feel like he was kind of relieved it was over. John didn't fight for me, he just left never looking back.

"Now you sounded like the 16 year old Lara Jean. I loved her, ok? I did. But we have been arguing a lot the last couple of months. I thought if I proposed to her things would magically be fine again. We would break up anyway... It was already over it just took me a while to figure it out"

"You know what I'm afraid of? What if there's like just one person in the whole world that you're meant to be with? Like your soulmate or something. And you found this person, but things didn't worked. Does that mean we will never find true love again?"

"How drunk are you right now?" he chuckles.

"Why are you incapable of having a serious conversation?! That's so annoying!" I sigh.

"Ok, so I'll be serious. I'm going to miss Rebeca, but our relationship was no longer good to either of us. So she dumped me. It's ok, I have been dumped before. But it's not like she's the last woman in the planet Earth. Plus, being single has its pros too. It's kind of overwhelming to think of being in a relationship with the same person for the rest of your life."

"If you see things from this angle..." I'm staring at the ceiling now. I gave up having a deep conversation with Peter. He never learned to answer my question the way I'd like him to.

"You're too judgy for someone who have casual sex with the neighbor" he teases me. I widen my eyes at him ."What? It's not a crime to have fun with no strings attached"

I throw his pillow in his direction, but he's faster and grabs it. Peter got tears on his eyes because he's laughing that hard.

"My sexual life it's definitely not a subject I'd talk to you about"

Peter cones to the bed, but sits at the bottom. He puts the pillow back in it's place.

"I don't want to know anything about it either. I'll just assume I gave you the best sex you ever had, and hope you never tell me otherwise" he still laughing as he says it.

"You won't get any word from me Kavinsky. Ever."

We hear some noise coming from downstairs. A male voice echoes from the living room.

"Peter? Are you home?"

Peter grab his phone and write a text. His phone buzzes and he chuckles as he read the message.

"I'll take you home in a minute. Owen brought his girlfriend home, so we better leave before things get weird."

...

Peter drives me home. As he parks at in front of my house, he turnes to me and say

"Will I get another good night kiss or...? Just kidding Covey, you know I like to see your cute annoyed face" he quickly added, as I was opening my mouth to shut him. "Thanks for coming tonight. I'm so glad to spend sometime with you after so many years"

"I enjoyed it too. It's always good to see an old friend"

"Covey... Since we're fine now... I wondered maybe you could like unblock me?"

"I'll think about it" I leave the car without saying anything else. I'm really tired right now; I'm just heading to my bed and tomorrow I'll mentally process what happened tonight.

I wake up with my phone buzzing. It's a call from Kitty

"Mm.. hello?" I'm having a hard time opening my eyes. I feel my back hurting like hell and I also have a terrible headache. Guess I'm hangover.

"What happened last night?!" she screams at me. Or at least I hear his voice like a scream since my head is kind of sensitive to loud noises.

"What are you talking about Kitty?"

"Peter? Kavinsky? You didn't said a word about last night! I've been texting you all morning and you didn't reply!"

"Sorry Kitty, I just woke up. It was fine actually. Can I call you in like 30 minutes? I seriously need to take a shower right now."

"Fine! But don't you dare not calling me back." She threatens me.

It's already midday. I take a long cold shower and call Kitty back to tell her every little detail about last night as I make some brunch for myself.

"I'm kind of disappointed nothing happened between you two. But, speaking as your sister, I should say it was for the best. Either way, don't tell Margot about it unless you want to her a whole lecture."

"I'm not planning to tell her. She's already too busy with the wedding. By the way, have you got any idea for our dresses? I was thinking about a flower crown..."

"Lara Jean, c'mon. It's not going to happen. I will send you my references on Pinterest later. I'm heading to class right now, talk to you later?"

"Sure, bye sis"

As im eating my brunch, an avocado toast with eggs and an orange juice; I'm flipping through my Instagram. I have a new DM from last night. My heart skips a beat when I read his name; it's from John.

_**John: are you in Virginia? **_

I didn't think John would ever talk to me again. I would never imagined he would talk to me through Instagram! I reply him because this was definitely the most unexpected thing it could have happened.

_**Lara Jean: yes, I'm on vacay (:**_

I feel like the time is running slower as I wait for his reply. That's when I receive a call, from my best friend Liz.

"What were you thinking when you said your boyfriend could eat _my_ lasagna? Do you hate me or something?" she didn't even say hi, but that's just how she is.

"It was enough for you to share! And Gael is not my boyfriend..."

"I know I know, he's just the guy who sleeps in your bed during all 7 days of the week"

"Whatever! Are you at the hospital?"

"Of course I am. It's not like I have a life besides this place. Just operated na inguinal hernia. All by myself, girl. Here I am, saving children, yay me!"

"So you called me to brag about it?"

"Sure, I did. I had to!"

"Well I'm glad you did because I have so much to tell you..."

I tell Liz all the details from last night, just like I did a while ago with Kitty. But her reaction was completely different. Liz met Peter when we we're still together, when he came to visit me one weekend, and they adore each other. They would always text each other talking about me, he used to call her when I didn't answered my phone. She was really supportive to our relationship. Until the day I came back to UNC looking like a mess.

I entered the room and went straight to my bed. I covered mysey with my blankets and continued crying out loud. Liz was in the room and I didn't even notice. She was scared by my entrance and came to my bed. She didn't ask anything. Liz stood there for a while just caressing my hair. Then she told me she would get me some food. She came back with ice cream, a chocolate cake and a bunch of cookies. We ate in silence. I was only able to talk to her the morning after. When I started to tell her she raised her hand and said "never mind telling me. I called him and he already told me. Just tell me how are you feeling now?". Later I found out she also blocked him from every social media because he keep calling her to talk to me.

"I'm glad to hear he finally acted like a grown ass man. Did you really forgive him Lara Jean?",

"i did... I mean, I'm not the type of person who resent things for a long time. I forgave him years ago. But it was actually great to hear his apologies. I feel like I got my closure. And I unblocked him from my social media"

"Agree. So did you guys just kissed?"

"Yes Liz, I told you everything"

"I see... Well, if I was the one who happened to find my highschool sweetheart right in the middle at my vacation, and both of us were single... Girl, I wouldn't hesitate..."

"What do you mean Liz?"

"I'm just saying... I would enjoy the situation. But that's me, Liz. Matt was a pain in my ass when we dated in college, but if he asked me out nowadays I would go for it. Just for curiosity. What's wrong about it? You're both adults now, and you don't even live at the same state. When will you ever get another chance to enjoy Peter's body ever again? That's the perfect opportunity."

"I don't know... I mean it's Peter. Even if we didn't have history together it's really hard to resist his charm. But I feel like I shouldn't do it because of what he did to me."

"Lara Jean, we're so different from each other. I would definitely do it just to show him what he lost" she laughs at the thought. "Girl, I gotta go back to work. Audrey is driving me insane, this girl doesn't even know how to hold a scalpel and keeps trying to steal my surgeries. Call you later. Hey, don't forget to enjoy your vacation. With or without Peter. You have no time to have fun at all when you come back, that I can tell you" she sighs "bye Lara Jean. Love you, take care"

I finished eating so I'm washing the dishes. The phone buzzes to another message from John.

_**John: I don't know how to say this...**_

I feel anxious as I read. Did he miss me? Does he want to see me? What is it?

_**John: I don't know if you remember, but last Christmas I forgot a sweater at your father's. I would appreciate if you could return it to me.**_

Really? A sweater? That's the reason John texted me? He didn't even asked how I was doing. I guess he really doesn't care about it anymore. I'm disappointed, but it's fine. I didn't expect him to talk to me in the first place.

_**Lara Jean: sure, I'll search for it and I let you know.**_

Fuck, I still love that guy. I wish I could stop feeling it. I wish feelings were like a switch button that I could just turn off when I wanted to. It hurted when he left me, but it hurts even more to see that he moved on. Deep down I know I'll get over it, I just need to occupy my head.

...

I'm making dinner tonight to dad and Trina, so I head to the market to buy the ingredients I need. I'm thinking about a fish and chips night, I know both of them love fish. As I'm grabbing some onions, I hear someone approach me.

"Long time no see" Peter is standing there but he's not alone, Owen is next to him holding the groceries. Owen is almost taller then Peter, but not as athletic as his older brother. He uses his hair short like Peter did back in highschool. He's with airpods on and waves at me.

"Hi there, Lara Jean" he says in a low voice. Looking at him is like seeing a vision of Peter from highschool right in front of me. But he always was this introvert person, so different from his brother.

"Owen! Hi..." it's nice to see him but I don't know exactly what to say. We weren't close back then, he kind of didn't care for my existence at all.

"I'll grab some ice cream over there" he says to Peter who nods at him. Then he turn back to me "see you around".

"So Owen turned out to become a younger version of you." I say as Owen left us.

"Except I'm way better looking, right? Kidding. So I'm staying in the city for the whole week because of my mother's birthday. What are you up to tonight?"

"I'm having dinner with my family, sorry"

"Fine. But let me know when you're free to hang out. I had a really good time yesterday. We should do this again."

"I did too. I'll let you know. I better get going, still got to make a dinner"

"Sure. Text you later Covey"

I head to my car with a smile on my face. What is it about Peter that makes me want to say yes to everything he asks me?


	6. Home

_A/N:__ the more you review the more inspiration I got to write it! Hahah. Hi there, here is your next chapter. I'm taking every suggestion you wrote me in consideration. Hope you enjoy it! _

I'm cutting onions to prepare onion rings. I already finished preparing the fryed fish, I'm now just finishing the onion rings and the fryed potatoes. Trina is home already, she's upstairs taking a shower. I'm listening to some music while I cook and singing along.

_When we are young_

_We all want someone _

_who we think is the one_

_Just to fit in_

_There's no need to rush, take your time_

_Life's a big old ride_

_Sit back and enjoy the vibe_

"Need some help, honey?" Trina is coming inside the kitchen, her hair is up in a towel and she's wearing a fluffy pink robe. She grabs a glass of water and take a sip from it.

"Can you check on the potatoes? See if they are already boiling"

"They are. I'll set a timer for you."

"Trina... John texted me" she widen her eyes at me "it's fine. He just... He forgot a sweater here last Christmas and he would like me to return it."

"I don't remember actually. If I found it, I probably put it on your closet. How are you feeling, Lara Jean?" she reaches me and squeeze my arms.

"It's ok now. I miss him, but it was for the best. I would never put men before my career, my dad raised me better than that!" we both laugh about my sentence.

"He sure did. You and your sisters are way smart than I was at your ages... I'm glad you're home Lara Jean. We miss having you girls around. I'm trying to get your father to do a bunch of activities with me so he won't call you girls every hour. God knows how this man miss you."

It's the hard part of living away from my family. I'm always busy, and I don't call them as much as I'd like to. But when I come home, sometimes I wish I could make a dinner for dad and Trina, or just chat with Kitty in person.

"I promise I'll visit you guys more often. I miss you so much" we share a hug. She goes my hair up in a ponytail so it won't fall over the food. We both have tears on our eyes

"This damn onions! Just the smell makes me want to cry!" she says with a crying voice, putting her tears away. She clears her throat. "I'll call Dan to see if he's coming already".

Dad arrived late, but that was not na issue. After I finish cooking dinner, Trina and I layed on the couch to watch Sixteen Candles, my favorite movie ever. She gossip about her best friends life's and told me about her first marriage. I love talking to Trina, she's always so funny and clever at the same time. Seems like she's always teaching me some life lessons based on her misfortunes.

When my dad finally arrived, we had dinner just the three of us. Dad had to do a real hard c-sec tonight, that's why he took so long. My father is really happy one of his girls turned out to be a physician too, so he can teach me some of his career knowledge. At the end of the night, we have some strawberry ice cream I bought early and chat on their bed until midnight. It's so good to be home.

...

I'm in my room now and I'm heading to bed when I remember to check on my closet. It was easy to find John's sweater because it was over a box. When I grab the sweater I realized the box was the one my mother gave me. The one I kept all my treasures.

When I moved in with Liz I dropped some stuff at my fathe's house because my bedroom is now half of the size of my original bedroom. The thing is we were in a hurry to start living there, so I grabbed some random boxes and just brought here. I didn't know it was here.

I sit on my bed and open the box. Besides my love letters – 5 total, that I wrote to the boys I loved during my school years; the box is filled with movie tickets, polaroids, some post it, and a bunch of random stuff.

For a long time I used to put inside all things that reminded me of each boy I loved. The first thing I see is the necklace Peter gave me. I kept it even after we broke up because it was the first gift a boy ever gave me. Then I see the snow globe John gave me when we had a thing during high school. It also contains a plane ticket from my romantic trip to California with Alex.

I'm almost putting the box away when I see a polaroid of me and Peter. We're at the beach and I'm kissing his cheek. It's a selfie we took as we were watching the sunrise on New year's morning.

That was the day we were together for the first time. And the last New Year's Eve we spent together.

We were at a beach house Peter and his friends from the lacrosse team rented for the holiday. It's was a nice 3 days trip. The schedule was party until the morning and hangover on the beach. I got so tanned I'm kind of pinky in every picture. In the New year's night, after the countdown we went back to our bedroom. We started to kiss and when I realized, he was already on top of me. I wasn't planning it to happen that night, so when he tried to pull out my shirt I said.

"I think you shouldn't. I wearing the ugliest bra ever. I'm not even kidding."

We were together since I was sixteen. He was used to this situation where we almost get there and I gave up, last minute. So he just kissed me and said.

"It's fine Covey. Let's just cuddle, then. You're the one driving this bus, remember?"

But that night was different. I did wanted to do it. I wasn't insecure about it, I was mentally and sentimentally ready to it. The question was: I was wearing a lingerie I bought years ago. It was pink, with little bears all over it. That's what I told him.

"Peter, I want to do it. I really do. But my lingerie is just ridiculous. Maybe if you go to the bathroom and wait a second I'll be here waiting for you under the sheets..."

"Are you serious about it?" he was chuckling at me "Lara Jean, you would still be beautiful even if you were dressed as a trash bag" he kissed me softly on the forehead.

"I'm serious! I don't know why I put these on... I feel so stupid right now"

"Would you mind if I give it a glance? Just to know how ridiculous it is" he was speaking to me in such a sweet way, and giving pecks all over my face.

"You have to promise me you won't laugh"

"I promise"

When I took my shirt off he didn't move a facial muscle. He just stood there in silence. It was not the first time he saw me shirtless, why was he so silent?

"What? Are you staying mute forever?" I was starting to cover myself with my arms.

"I don't know what to tell you. These are such cute bears in a such sexy context. I'm confused, I have to admit" he lifted his eyebrows.

I covered my face "I knew it would just kill the mood. Oh God"

He grabbed my hands and pulled me into a hug.

"It didn't kill the mood at all, I'm just mocking you. If you have a problem with these, maybe we should just take it of" he kissed my neck and rubbed his lips down to my collar bone. He was right, I was just freaking out about a little detail. I let go off my fears and just lived the moment. It was so much better than I thought it was going to be. Peter never said "i love you" so many times in a single night before. I always thought of Peter as the handsomest boy of all the handsome boys. But that night, his beauty changed for me. He looked _sexy_ as hell. I wish I took a picture of his face instead.

"This year is already the best" he whispered to me as he layed by my side, sweaty and breathless.

"Happy New Year, Peter. I love you" I said as I layed my head on his arm.

"Happy New Year, Covey. I love you too" he kissed my forehead.

We stayed like this for hours, talking about how we expect that new year to be. Suddenly we noticed the sun was rising and we decided to go outside to watch it. That's when I took this picture.

My phone is buzzing; It's a message from Peter. I feel like I got caught in a naughty situation, like he could read my thoughts through the phone. So I start to think about literally anything else than the memory of his sweaty face saying he loves me.

_**Peter: Hey Covey. Are you coming to Trevor's party? **_

Trevor's party? I haven't seen Trevor since highschool, and we weren't close friends even back then. Why would I come to his party?

_**Lara Jean: Trevor from highschool? I don't think I'm invited. I didn't talked to the guy in ages lol**_

_**Peter: right... Forgot about it.**_

I'm put he box back in the closet and grab my phone again. I'll text John to let him know I found his damn sweater. I got a new Facebook notification.

_**Trevor Like invited you to his event **_

The event is a party to celebrate Trevor's birthday in his place. It's seems like Peter and Trevor still best friends after all.

Can you believe that guy?


	7. Party

_**A/n:**__** hi there! I'm sorry it took me a little longer to post it, but I'm having really hard tests at college. I didn't sleep at all during this week due to that, which means I didn't have time to write either. The good news is that I'm already writing the next chapter, it's coming soon. Thank you guys for the reviews, and feel free to criticize both the storyline and my bad grammar. Hope you enjoy it!**_

Being in my hometown makes me realize how easy life used to be when I was younger. I had my family around, supporting me. I didn't have bills to pay, I had free afternoons I used to spend reading romance novels.

Relationships were easier as well. Sometimes I miss being Peter's girlfriend from high school. We were best friends, we studied together after school, I used to go to some of his lacrosse games, and attend to his parties. He used to come over and hang out with me and Kitty. I miss how easy it was.

It's way different from my relationship with John. We didn't have much time for each other, since we are both busy with our careers. We were always tired, so we used to order food instead of going to restaurants. People were always asking when he would propose to me, which was kind of annoying. We argued a lot, because we were always so stressed. Sometimes I wish we had enjoyed our time together, went out a little more, make time for each other…

I'm awake, but I'm lying in my bed. It's early, but I'm giving myself the privilege of laziness. I grab my phone and there's a message from Gael.

_**Gael: morning, are you awake?**_

_**Lara Jean: kinda**_

_**Gael: same. Day off (: guess i'll be working on my drawings.**_

_**Lara Jean: I wanna see them**_

_**Gael: I'm working on something for you, it's a surprise tho**_

_**Lara Jean: Gael! No more surprises…**_

_**Gael: I don't want you to get bored, girl**_

_**Lara Jean: you're so silly**_

_**Gael: and yet, deep down, you like me**_

I do like him. Maybe because we are just friends with benefits, things are easy with Gael. I think that's what I like the most about it. Unfortunately, I won't allow myself falling in love with him. I need this time alone.

_**Lara Jean: Maybe… you'll never find out**_

I smell banana pancakes coming from the kitchen, so I drag myself out of my bedroom to check out. It's almost 8am, and Trina is washing the dishes. There's a pile of pancakes on the kitchen table.

"Shouldn't you be leaving?" I approach her with a giggle.

"I made you some pancakes and lost track of the time" she giggles too. "Can you finish the dishes? I got topto go, your dad is already inside the car"

Trina gives me a hug and head to the front door as fast as she can. They are so special to me. I'm on my twenties and they still treat me like I'm a little girl… in the good way.

…

We had dinner together, Trina, dad and I and we facetime with my sisters. We mostly talked about Margot's bride dress. She chose a lace wedding dress with V-neckline and long sleeves. Margot looked like an actual princess with it. Of course, we all cried a lot just looking at her picture.

After dinner, I go upstairs to find something to wear tonight. I used to attend to a lot of parties during college, but since I graduated I hardly ever have a night out. I'm not really sure if I even have something to wear…

Maybe Kitty has something? She is taller than me, but most of her clothes fit me. I'm searching through her closet when my phone buzzes. It's Liz.

"You won't believe what just happened. I was doing a bariatric surgery with Audrey and somehow she dropped her glasses… SHE DROPPED HER GLASSES INSIDE THE PATIENT'S BELLY! Can you imagine that? Girl I wish you was here, that was just hilarious." Liz is laughing so hard that is even hard to understand the words.

"Geez Liz, you really dislike that girl! But I guess it's inevitable to laugh about it"

"It's fine, it was like a millisecond. The patient is already awake and completely fine. We can laugh with no guilt about it" she's recovering her air "how are things going LJ, what are the news?"

I tell her about the party, and she seems more excited than I thought she would.

"Can you believe that guy? I'm not an expert or anything, but I can tell Peter wants you so bad right now"

"He just broke up with his girlfriend, Liz. Also, I'm just hanging out with him as friends..."

"Keep lying to yourself until you believe it. LJ, be honest with me. Aren't you curious? Not at all?"

"Of course I am… but" Liz interrupts me.

"Lara Jean, Peter's girlfriend is gone. John is gone. And Gael is just your "friend". I'm just saying, stop holding yourself back. Just let it be. Don't overthink about it. Send me pictures of your outfit; I need a taste of normal people social's life."

Liz helps me choose my outfit. I'm wearing a black short dress, with thin straps and black boots; my hair is down and I put some make up on.

My phone buzzes and it's a message from Peter;

_**Peter: I'll be there in 20 min. Ready?**_

_**Lara Jean: K**_

…

I enter Peter's car and he raised his eyebrows at me. I can feel his eyes over my body, analyzing me from my head to the toes. He quickly look away, to not seem like a creepy.

"Hey… Covey. You look nice" Peter turns his head to the way, and start the car.

"Thanks. So do you." He really does, he always does…

We don't talk too much on the way because it didn't take long. As we enter the party, Trevor is at the front hall holding a glass of beer. He didn't change at all, that's why I recognize him so easily. When he sees Peter, he comes with a large warm smile. They greet each other like all the guys do, with a handshake and a hug.

"Kavinsky! That's my business men!" Trevor turns his eyes to me. "Lara Jean? I almost didn't recognize you. It's been ages! I'm glad you came.

"Thanks Trevor. It's good seeing you too."

"Let me get you guys something to drink, you can sit over there on the couch, I'll be right back."

"I'll come with you, but you can sit there Covey. I'll be back in a second." Peter winks at me and I feel my face burn. This made us look like a couple. Is that what Trevor thinks about us?

I sit on the couch kind of uncomfortable, since I don't know any person in here. I grab my phone and there's a new message from John. Yesterday, I texted him to tell I found his sweater.

_**John: Can I come over to get it tomorrow? **_

I stare at his words. I'm not sure if I want to see him yet. Since we broke up we haven't even talked, so I don't know how I'm supposed to act when I'm around him. I'll reply him later; he took like a day to answer me so we will be even. Tomorrow I'll answer.

Peter is coming back from the kitchen with two glasses, one with wine and another with a light liquid.

"Still into kombucha?" I grab the wine glass from his hands.

"Sure. It's good for your digestion." He sits right next to me. He unblocks his phone and I notice his wallpaper changed; it's just a random landscape. Peter looks through his messages and quickly put it down. "Are you spying on me, Covey?"

"No… I just gave it a glance, it wasn't on purpose" I feel embarrassed.

"I'm just kidding, it's fine."

"So you and Trevor are still best friends?"

"Well, I guess. I mean, we don't hang out as much as we used to since I moved to NY. But we chat sometimes... What about Liz? Is she still your best friend?"

"Not really, sometimes I feel like flushing her head on our toilet… I'm kidding, we live together actually. She wants to be a general surgeon, so we work together as well. It's like we are those guys from Grey's Anatomy."

"That's exactly how I picture you guys."

…

Time flies when you are at a party, especially if you are with Peter Kavinsky. We spent the last hour talking about work stuff, and I notice my face was getting warmer. That's a sign that I'm starting to get drunk.

"Kavinsky!" Three guys were standing in front of us. I recognize them, even though I don't remember their names. They were his friends from the college lacrosse team.

Peter stands up to greet them, and I just give a friendly nod. I remember Peter telling me the lacrosse team would make fun of him because he had a long-distance relationship, so I don't feel like greeting those guys.

"Isn't Rebeca coming?" One of the guys, say in a lower voice, but I can still hear him. He probably didn't recognize me and thinks Peter is just flirting with a random girl.

"We broke up. She's in NY." Peter replies, but with a firm tone. He gives the guy a look that says "no more questions".

"Right… we're playing beer pong, want to join us?"

"I'll find you guys later, I'm in the middle of a conversation" They agree and leave us alone again.

"You probably shouldn't bring me to a party when people still think you are dating Rebeca. What will people think?" I take a sip from my glass as he sits next to me.

"I never really cared about what people think." He shrugs. "Can we just stop talking about her?"

"Why is that?" I'm trying to understand his feelings. I don't believe he's ok with being dumped; Peter is not used to be rejected.

"Because." He seems annoyed. "I'm surprised you didn't turn out to be a psychiatrist, you are so curious about people's dark secrets". Now he's just being sarcastic. "I told you we are past tense, and that's fine by me."

"And I don't believe you."

"Do you need a proof?" he looks at me with flirtatious eyes.

I feel the urge to kiss him again, to feel what I felt when we were in his car the other day. I'm struggling with my mind. It seems like we're in slow motion, and the time stopped as I was deciding If I wanted to be an ethical person or if I just wanted to taste his lips once again.

"Are you drunk, Covey?" Peter looks concerned now. The mood is gone; thank God…

"Why? Do I look drunk?"

"You just kept staring at me in silence for the past 5 min. Plus, your cheeks are burning red. Maybe you should put down your glass…"

"I'm not drunk, it's fine. It's just hot in here. I don't need you to take of me." I can be little stubborn when I drink.

"Sure, you are in charge"

Maybe I should have listened to Peter's advice, but instead I decided to join a group of people and take shots of tequila as he was playing beer pong. I didn't want to be the girl who's alone with her phone in a party, so I was trying to socialize.

"Lara Jean? What are you doing here?" I hear, but I'm too dizzy to look up. I'm seating on a swing, at the back yard. "Are you ok? I've been looking for you everywhere." Peter get on his knees and put his hand on my face.

"Gosh, why are you so handsome? It just makes things harder…" I mumble, and he giggles at me.

"It's not easy for me either, you know that. Do you need help to stand up?"

I try to move, but at the moment I'm getting up I feel kind of sick. Before I can stop it I throw up. I feel Peter's hands holding my arms and putting me back on the swing.

"That answers my question. Look, put your hands around my neck, we're taking you somewhere else"

…


	8. Day After

A/n: hi there. I'm in love with your reviews, I love it when you guys tell me your opinions. Who do you guys ship Lara Jean with?

Hope you enjoy it. Next chapter is coming soon!

I wake up to my phone buzzing. I struggle to open my eyes; it feels like someone hit my head with a hammer multiple times last night. I try to reach it with my eyes closed and pick it up.

"Mm… Hello?" I reply with an annoyed tone

"Lara Jean? Is that you?"

"Of course, who is this?"

"It's John… Ambrose." Those words make my eyes – magically – widen.

"John?" I realize I'm not on my bed. I'm not even in my bedroom. I'm at Peter's bedroom; what am I doing here?

"I didn't mean to call, but you didn't reply my text… about the sweater."

"Sure. I'm sorry; I was kind of busy last night… Actually, can I call you back? I'm kind of busy right now…"

"Sure… it's fine."

Ok. I'm on Peter's bed, but I'm not naked; I'm still wearing my dress but I have a gray robe around me. This is so much too process. I try to recall what exactly happened last night but there's a blank space in my memory. I remember tequila… ugh, just the thought of it makes me nauseous. I remember throwing up. Did something happen between us after I throw up? Oh my, that's gross… What if his mother is home? What if she saw us? What if she heard us?

"Covey" I hear Peter's voice, but my head is pounding so I don't move to look at him. He enters the room and sits next to me on his bed. "How are you feeling? I brought you some tea"

I struggle to sit up straight. Peter is wearing his pajamas – an old Fight Club T-shirt and flannel blue and grey pants. Probably nothing happened… he never slept on his pajamas when we were together, he just used his boxers. Ok, that's good we're both dressed.

I grab one of the tea cups of his hands and take a sip. It's hibiscus, one of my favorites.

"Shit… I'm never drinking again." I mumble as I press one of my fingers in my temple, to try relieving this terrible headache.

"That's interesting; I never saw much of the "hangover Lara Jean". That's a new side of you that includes cursing" He takes a sip of his tea, and smile at me.

This smile makes me second guess. Maybe drunk Lara Jean made a terrible decision she's not remembering at the moment. It's very likely; if I'm holding myself back not to kiss him right now, how did drunk Lara Jean keep her hands out of him?

Fine, I'll just ask.

"Peter… did we…? Why am I sleeping on your bed? I'm sorry I don't remember much…"

"Don't you remember throwing up on my shoes?" he laughs at it's thought.

"I don't actually… I'm so sorry for your shoes…" I widen my eyes, there's some images flashing in my head. "but we didn't…? Right? Or did we?"

"Of course we didn't Lara Jean. You were drunk, but I was sober. I just brought you here because I was afraid you would choke with your own vomit"

"Gross!" I make a disgusted face.

"Well, it could happen. I was worried." He shrugs.

"Ok, so… I don't remember anything after throwing up."

"Well, you barely could stand up alone, but you didn't pass out. You were just mumbling random things during all the way here. Talking about guts and peritoneum… those work stuff, which is also gross since your dinner was all over my shoes." He chuckles

"Oh God…" I feel my face burning, I'm so embarrassed.

"I'm just mocking you… I brought you upstairs and put you this robe since you were cold. And left this bucket beside the bed so you could… well you got it. I watched you for a while, but you fell asleep the second you lay down. That's it… There's no sexy part to tell." Peter gives me one of his Peter winks.

"What about your mom and Owen? Did they see me?"

"Owen slept on a 'friend's house'. My mom sleeps like a rock; nothing in the world would wake her up. And she already left; she's at some garage sale, about two hours from here."

"I'm really sorry I ruined the party. I shouldn't have been there in the first place; Trevor invited you, not me…"

"Hey Covey, cut that; I was just kidding. I don't mind taking care of you, not at all. And I invited you, I wanted you there. It was nice and we had fun. We all get wasted sometimes, nothing wrong about it." Peter pokes me. "Drink your tea; it will make you feel better."

"Thanks for taking care of me… and thanks for the tea. I owe you."

"I'll call it, you know that right?" He put his empty cup on the bed table. "Was that John Ambrose on the phone?"

"It was, actually" Peter gives me a malicious look "He just called me because he forgot a sweater at my father's and he wants it back."

"Yeah right. As if… he wants to check on you to know if you moved on. Probably just realized how stupid he was"

"I don't think so; it's been almost six months. He probably moved on"

"Like he did in high school? Yeah right. That guy worships you." Peter rolls up his eyes.

"It's different now. Maybe he did back then and I wasn't enough for his expectations." Even though is a hard thing to say, I say it in a neutral tone. Talking about John is hurting less and less every day.

"It's not your fault, men are stupid." He grabs the empty cup from my hands and stand up. "That's why I love women. Do you feel like grabbing breakfast somewhere?"

"Not really. I desperately need a shower, I'm feeling gross." I didn't look at myself in a mirror yet, but I bet my makeup is a disaster.

"I'll just wash this and I'll drive you home."

I could call an Uber, but I don't intent to enter anyone's car looking wasted as I probably am. When I get home, I take a quick shower and head straight to my bed. Before I fall sleep I text John.

_**Lara Jean: You can come over tomorrow morning.**_

_**John. Deal. I'll be there.**_

…

"See, she's fine, she's probably just tired" I hear Trina's voice. I open my eye and both she and my dad are on my bedroom door.

"Hey guys." I yawn. "Come in"

"Sorry to wake up you, sweetie. Someone here thought you were dead or something" Trina points her thumbs at my father. "I'll be downstairs finishing our dinner. We're having yakisoba today"

"Are you okay Lara Jean? You slept all day." My father enters the bedroom and sits on my bed, in front of me.

"I'm fine, dad. I guess I'm too old to attend to parties; I feel so tired" I giggle.

"Don't you dare saying you're old! When I think about Margot getting married I feel like I'm a mummy already." He giggles with me.

"I can't believe our Gogo is getting married. Sometimes I forget we are not teenagers anymore."

"Tell me about it…"

"Dad, how is it like for you?" I ask. "I mean, how do you feel about your daughter getting married?"

"I'm happy Margot found someone who loves her and respect her. But, don't tell your sister about it, I'm so nervous. God, you raise your child trying to protect them from all the bad things in life… then after years of college in Scotland she decides to marry a Scottish guy. I met him like four times and now he's my son-in-law… Sometimes I feel like you girls grew up way too fast… I miss having you around." He got tears in his eyes.

I hold him, and we stay like that for a while. My family is everything for me; as we grow up we got our own lives and it's hard have some time to spend with them. I surely miss the time when we all lived together.

"I love you dad. I miss having you guys around me too…"

Trina call our names, dinner is ready. We wipe our tears off and laugh – we are certainly the most emotive people of this family.

After I finish my meal, I grab my phone and there are like a thousand messages. Liz sent me some voice messages

_**Liz: IM GOING TO DIE SEND HELP JSUS FKN CRIST**_

_**Liz: LARA JEAN THERE'S A FUCKING COCKROACH ON OUR APARTMENT**_

_**Liz: i'm not gonna deal w it**_

_**Liz: that's it, I already packed my bags IM MOVING TO CANADA **_

_**Liz: THANK GOD! GAEL IS HERE!**_

_**Liz: HE SAVED ME! I LOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND LARA JEAN!**_

_**Liz: fuck kavinsky and ambrose, I'm team Gael for life!**_

Liz sent me a video of Gael running at my apartment with a broom to fight the cockroach as she is screaming like she's actually going to die. Liz also sent me a selfie with Gael making a superhero pose; he got his hair up in a totally messy bun and he's wearing social clothes, because he probably just got home.

_**Lara Jean: lol you're unbelievable; I'm glad Gael rescued you, or else I would have to live with this monster since you totally fail in dealing with it **_

_**Lara Jean: Kidding, love ya**_

_**Liz: Haha funny.**_

_**Liz: Love u 2, come home soon. I'm tired of ordering food **_

Gael also sent me the same picture.

_**Gael: just saved your roommate's life. You owe me this one**_

_**Lara Jean: I don't think so, now I'll have to find another way to get rid of her; you just made my life harder lol jk. Thanks for helping her 3**_

Gael is not online, he probably is working on his art. He likes to draw at night, after showering, because he says there's nothing more inspiring then hot water falling over your head after a long day at work. I agree.

There are two more unread messages.

_**Peter: feeling any better?**_

_**Peter: Covey, are you alive?**_

_**Lara Jean: fine, just slept all day**_

My phone starts buzzing, and it's Peter calling me.

"Hey"

"Covey?" I hear his voice "You won't believe what I just found out."

"What?"

"My mother. She is dating." He emphasizes all the words. "she's actually dating a guy. Can you believe that?!"

"Seriously?! I can't imagine that"

"I know, right?!"

"How do you feel about it?"

"Not really sure, she just told me. I'm still pretty shocked… What are you up to tonight?"

"Peter, I think I'm not ready to another party if that's what you're trying to ask me…"

"I don't feel like going to a party, either. I'm asking you to come over, I need some distraction to the fact my mom is going to sleep at her _boyfriend's_" Peter makes a vomiting sound when pronouncing the last word.

"So I'm just a distraction to you?" I say it like I'm offended with his words.

"Well played Covey… what you don't know is that I have ice cream and Uno cards. Or maybe you could just stay home and be boring. It's up to you."

"If you think you can buy me with this offer…"

"It's nuts and cream flavored ice cream" It's my absolutely favorite flavor and he knows it. I can't argue with that.

"Ok, I'll be ready in 10 minutes"


	9. Memories

I'm sitting on Peter's couch, we just arrived.

"Please tell me all about it!" I say to him as I laugh.

"Ok so, remember the other day when you came over and my mother wasn't home? She told me she was visiting my aunt, but she only came home like the morning after. My mother never sleeps at my aunt's." Peter heads to the kitchen to get us ice cream. "But I believed her."

"Need some help?" I follow him. I grab two bowls from the kitchen shelf as he get the ice cream from the freezer.

"So tonight she asked me if I mind ordering something for dinner. Well, she ended up admitting she is having an affair with some dude she met at a garage sale, Craig. I can't believe she kept it from me!"

"Maybe she wanted to tell you in person"

"I've been in Virginia for almost a whole week; she didn't mention anything about it until tonight. And she only did because she's staying with him tonight."

"Does Owen know? I mean, she probably slept on his house before, didn't he notice?"

"That's the worse! He knew it, he figured it out; he didn't say a word because when she goes out with her boyfriend, he brings his girlfriend home. Teenagers…"

"Smart. So where's he tonight?"

"I gave him money and a fake ID and told him to find a motel. I can't deal with teenagers tonight."

"Peter! What?!" I widen my eyes censoring him.

"I have enough of talking about them, my mom and Owen… just the thought of it, _ew!_ Mothers shouldn't be allowed to have a sex life, that's fucking terrifying."

"_Ew_. Agreed."

"I wasn't going to drink tonight, but Uno is way much fun with alcohol. I'll have some wine, would you like it?" He finishes his ice cream and grabs a bottle from the shelf.

"I don't think it is a good idea"

"Fair enough. You can take a sip of my glass if you feel like, then"

…

"NO WAY!" I yell "How the hell are you so good at this game?! You're a grown ass man, you should be embarrassed!" I'm laughing so hard, my stomach is hurting. We're sitting on the floor, the Uno cards in front of us. It's like the 10th time Peter beats me.

"You should be embarrassed; I'm not even 100% sober anymore. Covey, you suck on this" he hands me his glass and I take a sip of wine.

"Whatever" I roll up my eyes. "I have a career I don't have time to play card games"

"I also have a career. I'm a business man, remember? Just admit you suck on this. It's fine, I won't tell anybody." He shrugs.

I throw a pillow at him, it hits him right on his face. Peter looks me with revenge eyes, and I know what these means. I stand up and start running around the living room as he chases me. I know if he catches me he will tickles me till death. Of course he does catch me and we both fall on the floor. He doesn't stop until I tell "My belly! I'm breathless… MERCY!"

"I missed this." Peter stares me with a smile; he let me go and we're both sitting on the floor again.

"Trying to kill me?!" I giggle as I meet his gaze.

"That too… I missed having you around."

I don't really have an answer to this. I sure missed him in the first couple months after we break up, but I was so mad at him, so angry, I was glad he wasn't around. Being far from him made it easier to get over him. Yet, being here tonight makes me miss the feeling of being _his._ I just stay right where I am, smiling at Peter. I feel my heart race a little, being stared by him still makes me anxious after all.

"You know what? I'll be honest with you, Covey. I can't take this anymore, it's killing me…"

What? What is he talking about?! He just said he missed me… Is he dumping me? Can someone dump a friend, is that a thing? I widen my eyes as I listen to his words.

"I can't do this. You're in my house, sitting on the floor, playing uno terribly bad… and still you look sexy as hell. I'm sorry Lara Jean, I can't just stand here. I want to kiss you so bad right now… i've been trying to hold myself back, but you're the one driving me mad…"

Before I think about the consequences, before he even finishes his sentence, Peter leans his lips on mine in a softy way. I kiss him back and he places his hand on my hip, as he pushes the cards away from us with his other hand. Peter keeps pulling me closer to his body, until I seat on his lap.

"God, I missed this" he whispers in my ear. He plants kisses on my neck and my collar bone, sending shivers down my spine. I can't even process what's going on here, it seems like I'm sleep walking. I reach his mouth again, I don't want to stop kissing him.

Peter holds my neck in his hand, making circles on my cheek with his thumb. I feel his other hand sliding on my thigh, gently pressing it. When he reaches my butt, he press it more firmly.

"Someone here started to workout, huh?". Even though he is mocking me, he still sounds sexy as hell. I hate this about him.

"Shut up Kavinsky." I roll my eyes and blush; I probably don't look mad at all. I lean to kiss him again; it's like when you go on a diet and don't eat chocolate for a week and then finally take a bite… unless it's been 5 years.

Peter place his hand on my belly, under my blouse. The touch of our skins gives me goosebumps, and I can tell he felt it too. He picks me up in his arms and sit us on the couch with a single movement. He lays down, kissing me non-stop. I'm on top of him, with my hands in his chest and his neck.

I help Peter taking out my shirt, then my bra. His eyes are getting darker as he admired my undressed torso. He kiss my breasts playing with my nipples with his tongue. That makes me pull his hair from the nape of his neck. I feel something growing on his pants, that excited me even more. I pull his t-shirt off; Gosh, he's not a teenager anymore. His muscles are way bigger than they were before, he looks like some Calvin Klein's model. He could definitely do an underwear photoshoot, I wouldn't mind having it.

Peter starts unzipping my jeans when some conscience hits me.

"Rubber!" My voice is kind of breathless.

"I don't think I have any…" His eyes are fixed on my breasts as he fondling it. "Don't you take pills?"

"I have it in my purse, would you grab it?"

"Like right now?" Peter's got a malicious smile as he bites my earlobe softly. What is it about guys and rubbers? I roll up my eyes.

"Yes, right now Kavinsky." My voice sounds more firm this time, making he rolls up his eyes. Yet, he gets up to pick it up from the kitchen table. "You can take off your pants now." I tell him in a low voice, I feel my checks blushing. It's awkward to act naughty with your high school sweetheart.

Peter seems satisfied with my words and immediately take his pants off. He got black boxers on, ironically, they are CK's. I'm sitting on the couch, hiding my breasts with a pillow when he approaches me. I reach his boxers and take them out, I'm delighted with this view. He did developed all of his muscles; Peter put the rubber on it, and I kiss it. I start with a little peck and then I start sucking it. He places his hand o my head, guiding me. I can't stop staring him, he got that pleasure look on his face.

"Slow down Covey, I don't want to be too early" he smiles and then get on his knees. I help him slide out my jeans, and then my panties. "My turn"

Peter was always too good on this stuff. I constantly felt like I was lucky my first time was actually great, since most of the girls hate it. I dare to say he did gave me the best sex I ever had; in fact, Peter and Gael are sharing this imaginary rank. Gael is also amazing… I don't really want to think about him right now. My thoughts are fading as Peter kisses me there, my mind is turning into a big blur.

He's staring at me, making sure I'm feeling pleased. I didn't realize I was moaning until he stop and say, in a mumbled voice.

"You look so sexy right now" I kiss him, urgently. He seats right next to me and places me on his lap; Peter pulls my hair softly and squeezes my butt with his other hand. He's inside me now and in this moment I wish we could stay like this forever.

…

"I never thought we would do it on your mother's living room. We are terrible people." We're laying on the couch, my head is on Peter's chest. I'm wearing his shirt and he's on his boxers.

"I won't tell, will you?" Peter is speaking slower then he often does. "Important question Covey, what's your opinion about weed?"

"What? I believe it should be legal in all states, especially for medical purposes… but why this question out of a sudden?" I giggled

"I'm really into getting high after sex."

"Oh. I don't smoke at all; it is the most common cause for cancer, not only lung cancer but also throat, kidney, bladder…"

"Okay, I got it doctor. No need to kill my vibe talking about cancer." He laughs at me. "Did you ever smoke, Covey? Just for curiosity."

"I actually did. Long time ago, back on college. It was terrible, I got this feet everyone in the room were watching me. I felt kind of paranoid". I laugh at this.

"I wish I could see that. Let's play this now, never have I ever. But without the alcohol. Never have I ever skydived" Peter says.

"I did. In California, some years ago."

"I can't picture this in my head. Your turn."

"Never have I ever traveled to another country all by myself"

"I have, I went to Nepal last year, all by myself. An amazing experience."

"Promise me you'll tell me all about it?"

"I promise" Peter gives me a peck on the forehead. "Never have I ever spent my birthday alone. I'm lying, I did two years ago when I had a business trip and got stuck in Hawaii because of a terrible storm. All airports were closed. I actually enjoy it, I'll have to admit it."

"I have too. Last year I was on call, I wasn't really alone but none of my friends were there with me. I spent my birthday looking inside a woman's belly." I laugh. "It's my dream job, can't complain. Never have I ever went on a cruise. I'd really like to though."

"I haven't either. I don't feel like it since I found out Titanic was based on a true story." He chuckles. "Never have I ever… got over you. Actually, never have I ever stopped wanting you."

I lift my head to stare at him. He's smiling at me, wanting for an answer.


	10. Is it too late?

_A/n: sorry to be gone for so long guys! I had so much going on college that I hardly had time to use social media. Colleges are free in my country because you have to pay for it with your soul lol. Here's your new chapter and – spoiler – there will be conflicts. Hope you enjoy it and I'll be back soon, promise. Love your reviews, keep writing it cause it inspires me 3_

Peter is starring at me expecting me to say something. I don't feel like saying anything; I loved Peter with all my heart when we were together, he was my first love. But after we broke up, I fell in love with other guys, I got over him. I didn't think I would ever kiss Peter again, I never pictured us back together... He was definitely not on my plans. Yet, I can't deny I still feel something when I'm with him. Every time he smiles at me I feel like kissing him; when we talk there's always this feeling hanging in the air. My feelings for him now are cloudy. I take a deep breath...

"Listen, Peter... I don't know what to tell you. I never thought this could happen... I hope you understand why I can't give you a proper answer..."

"I do. It's fine... I mean, we don't have to talk about it. It's just nice to be here now, with you." He is smiling as he speaks, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "We should have nights like this more often."

"I'll think about it.." I kiss him softly as I roll my eyes.

"Maybe we should go upstairs. I don't know when my family will be home."

...

I feel a hand sliding on my belly and widen my eyes terrified; gosh I forgot I'm not home. Peter and I fell asleep cuddling. Oh God...

I pick up my phone, trying not to move to much so he won't wake up. I forgot how handsome he looked like when he is asleep...

My slightly movement was enough to wake him up. He opens his eyes and seems surprised to see me as well.

"Morning Covey" he yawns.

"Morning. Sorry to wake you..."

"It's fine. You're a good alarm." He smiles at me as he rubs his eyes. His voice is so sexy in the morning... I lean to kiss him. "You know you can't kiss me like that when I just woke up... I'm weak" he murmurs starring at my mouth.

"Definitely" I laugh at him as he tries to hide his boner. I grab my phone; it's 9am already. I have a few new messages.

"Hey, put it down..." Peter start kissing my neck and my ear lobe; He's teasing me. I decide to just check the notifications and I'll answer them later.

Kitty: have you watched el camino yet? Jesse Pinkman still hot af btw

Trina: suggestions for today's dinner?

Liz: nightshift and absolutely no patients. Could I be ANY more bored?

Gael: another night alone w my noodles. Miss you

I swipe this message quickly. It's totally awkward to read this while Peter is cuddling with me. I don't know if I should tell Gael about tonight... He's my friends and we talk about everything. But I think he really likes me and there's no point telling him I slept with my ex. It would only break his heart. I'll deal with him later...

There's another new message, sent 20 min ago. It's from John.

John: can I come over around 10am?

"... Covey. I'm taking to you." Peter calls me. "If I have to share you with those guys at least let me enjoy my shift". Peter try to seem like he's joking, but you can tell he's pissed off.

"I actually need to go home now..." I yawn.

"C'mon, we just woke up! I could make us some breakfast... We could stay in bed a little longer... We could take a shower..." he's giving little kisses across my neck and collarbone. I take a deep breath to calm myself down. It takes way too much effort to resist Peter's charm.

"I seriously need to go, Peter." I say firmly this time.

"Fine... I'll drive you." He rolls up his eyes, pissed. Peter gets up and he's shirtless, wearing only his underwear, his hair is totally messy and he looks absolutely hot. I can't avoid starring, it's such a wonderful view.

"Damn Covey, keep it in your pants." He mocks while getting dressed.

...

I'm home already and making some breakfast. I took a long warm shower when Peter drop me here, and decided to eat something while I wait for John. I'm making some waffles when my door bell rings. My heart races immediately to it's sound; I check myself on the mirror just to make sure I have a decent look.

"Coming!" I yell at the door as I apply my liptint.

Deep breath. That's it.

I open the door to a smiling John Ambrose. His hair is a little longer and... Did he grow a beard? Yes he did. That makes him look older, but in a good way.

"Hey. Good to see you..."

"John... Hi. Er... Want to come inside?"

John walks into my living room and I follow him. I point him to sit on my couch.

"I was having some waffles, would you like some?"

"Sure, thanks" he nods politely. "So... How are you Lara Jean?"

"Fine, enjoying my time off" I handle him his plate and sit next to him. "You?"

"Working like hell, but it's fine. Bruce was fired last month because they find out he was having an affair with Lisa. They got caught on his office, right during the act. You can't imagine the mess that place became. I'm working for two then." He's talking to me like we're just friends who haven't seen each other in a while and are just catching up. That's nice, I was expecting a cold and distant John.

"Gosh. During work? Bruce was so reckless. I hope he's fine after all. Have you talked to him?"

"Sure. He's fine, he still unemployed but at least now they are officially dating and making out on private spaces." He giggles and I feel my face get warmer. I forgot how handsome John looks. "And your family? Dr. Covey must be so happy you're spending this time with them."

"He really does. They're all fine. Just wish Kitty was on vacation too, but it's fine. We'll enjoy the weekend." I can't help smiling when I talk about my family, I love them so much.

"It's nice to see you this happy LJ. You really needed a break..."

I widen my eyes at him. Yes I did need a break, John, but when I told you that you broke up with me. Why are you bringing this up right now? Are we going to discuss our relationship?

It seems like he could read my facial expressions and quickly adds

"A break from your routine, I mean... I wasn't talking about... us." He sounds hesitant, unsure of his words. "but I guess you were right about that too..."

"John... What are you talking about?" I ask him with the tiniest voice.

"I'm sorry LJ. I'm really sorry... I know I've said terrible things to you last time... Last time we spoke... I regret that, big time. I wish I could turn back and never put you in that position. I'm just... I'm sorry." He's looking at me with widen sad eyes. I noticed he's calling me LJ, the way he did when we were together.

"It's ok John. You know I'm not good at resent feelings. Plus, it's hard to be mad at you, you had your reasons too." I'm struggling so hard with my tears, but I'm being honest. I understand now why he left, I just resent the fact he forgot me so easily...

"I mean what I'm saying LJ, you were right. Since I... Since we... You know, break up..." He say it like he is a child cursing, feeling guilty. "I've started doing therapy... I'm getting better at dealing with stuff... This time apart made me realize I was way too needy, and I pushed you do much... I put all the pressure I was feeling over your shoulders, and that's not fair... not at all."

I didn't expect John to talk to me ever again, but I definitely didn't expect him to apologise and say I was right the whole time. God, I wished so hard for him to tell me this exactly words when he left...

"Therapy... This was the obvious solution, I wish we'd thought about it like an year ago. Maybe things wouldn't gone so wrongly." I chuckle at this, but it's a sad statement

"Definitely." He chuckles too. He reach my hand and caress my fingers. "I miss you so much... I know I should have say it like months ago, but I was fixing myself in order to fix us... I know I've got no right to say these things after what... After what I said too you... But it's a fact. I still love you with all my heart LJ. I miss having you. I miss everything about you, even our fights..."

These words hit me like a slap. That's it, all I expect John to tell me... And it's frustrating that it took all these months. If he'd said that too me like, two or three months ago I would have just kissed him and we'd be together again, happy ever after. It was so hard to let him go, and now... He wants to get back. God really does work in mysterious ways... And seems like this time - when I decided I was going to be the single Lara Jean - He decided to play my heart.

What can I say? I don't know, I just start mumbling as I'm processing this whole thing...

"John... I..."

The door bell rings. Literally, saved by the bells. I'm so relieved to be interrupted, I get up and quickly reach the door; I open it without asking.

I should have asked.

Peter Kavinsky is standing at my door.

My jaw is on the floor.

"What the f...?" I feel like my soul left my body.

"Hey Covey, why are you not answering your phone. I've been texting you."

"Kavinsky...?" John looks like he is seeing a ghost. They haven't seen each other in years, but you can recognize Peter just by the way he speaks. "Peter Kavinsky?"

"Sup Sundance Kid? You came to grab your... stuff, right?" he's so politely and is talking to John with a smile on his face. What the HELL is Peter doing? I'm standing there and I feel like my mouth doesn't respond to my brain anymore.

"And why are you here?" John asks him in a harsh tone. He's now standing right behind me.

"Covey forgot his wallet on my car, I'm just here to give it back." He lift his hand and it's the true. I didn't notice it was missing, but my wallet is in his hand.

"Well... Thanks Peter..." Before I can finish the sentence and kick Peter out of here so I can start thinking what the hell I'm going to tell John, they ignore me completely.

"Didn't know you were driving her around, that's news to me." John looks both surprised, angry, hurt...

"John I can explain it..." I try again, but they are not even looking at me.

"How would you? You left her. Did you expected her to daily update you on her life?"

"Peter!" I yell.

"What do you know about Kavinsky? May I remind you why she left you?! Oh right, because you couldn't keep it in your pants"

"ENOUGH!" I yell firmly this time. I'm in the middle of them holding both back. They seem to remind I'm here too. "Go home Peter."

"Covey... Are you...?"

"Just go" I repeat, firmly and pick my wallet from his hand.

I shut the door and stare at John.

"John..."

"It's fine Lara Jean. It's none of my business who you date... Can you hand me my sweater?" He sounds so cold now.

"John, I'm not dating him! I'm single. I didn't expect you to say all these things. I thought you moved on. You were posting pictures of hikings and runnings on your Instagram. I thought you met someone new... How was I supposed to know...?"

He sighs.

"You're right. I showed up out of the blue, totally uninvited. But seriously LJ? This guy?! He's a jerk and you know that. I'm saying this as... As a friend" he cringes at this word.

"John I'm not as naive as you think. He apologised to me and we have been hanging out. Nothing else to add. I'm not 16 anymore."

"I just think this guy is going to break your heart again, and I'm not willing to allow it."

"You broke my heart too John..." I murmur, looking down. He remain silent for a while, i hit him right on his wound.

"You're right LJ. I overreacted; it's just... he already took you away from me once..."

"It was not like that, and you know it..."

"Think about what I said, will you?" He places his hand on my face, caressing my cheecks with his thumb. "I'm struggling so hard not to kiss you right now... I miss your lips"

It's hard to look away, but I do. I don't want thing to be more confusing than they already are.

"See you John"

We hug goodbye and he left.


	11. Men

_A/N: Guys, the reviews are amazing! It got me inspired so I'm releasing another chapter today. Hope you guys enjoy it. As far as I can tell literally all of you are team Peter, right? What do you guys think about John and Gael? I'm curious on your opinions._

* * *

_**Peter: text me if u wannna come over later**_

Peter texted me after he left, but I ignored him. Why did he have to show up? I'm guessing he read John's text on my phone earlier and decided to come over and – as the dogs do – mark his territory. Except I'm not his territory, neither John's. I'm Switzerland in this moment.

Dad and Trina come home and we have dinner together; I make a huge effort to seem like nothing happened. When we are eating, Margot sends dad a text asking him to FaceTime with her. She asks us to call Kitty too, it's a family meeting than. This makes me anxious: this must be important.

"Hey guys!" Margot greet us, her husband is right next to her; they're both sitting on her couch, she's the one holding the phone up. "I can't keep this from you any longer. We've been suspicious about it for a while, but now we're totally sure… Dad, Trina, Lara Jean, Kitty: guys, I'm pregnant!"

I widen my eyes at the screen and smile ear to ear. Margot is having a baby?! Tears instantly fall from dad's and Trina's eyes and Kitty yells "HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?".

"Language Kitty! Margot, that's amazing. I don't even… congratulations!" I say as I wipe some years that popped on my face.

My dad and Margot start talking about pregnancy – actually, he gives her a lecture of how she should behave, about medical appointments, and of course he wants to be in contact with her ob-gyn. Kitty is worried about the wedding dress, how is Margot going to fit in it? And Trina is thrilled with the possibility of a baby coming to visit us every holiday, she definitely adore babies.

Margot's great news made me forget about John and Peter for a while, which I'm grateful for. I sincerely don't want to think about neither of them. I just want to sleep, in my own bed, alone with my thoughts. Some times I wish I could visit Margot anytime I wanted; it's so hard being so distant. I wanted so bad to give my sister a hug, feel her belly… the good news is: since she'll be on maternity license, they are considering to get married here in Virginia. She would come home a few months before, so my dad would be around her. And I will manage to come visit them on my days off. I'm kind of anxious about it.

Is weird to think Margot is just one year older than me. She's pregnant, getting married and here I am: losing my sleep over Kavinsky and Ambrose…

Phone buzzing; I reach it:

_**Gael: just finished friends. You were so right, I loved it. How come I've never watch it before?**_

_**LJ: I know! - monica's voice**_

_**Gael: you a mixture of Phoebe and Rachel. Too messy to be Monica :P**_

_**LJ: why do you say that?**_

_**Gael: you're crazy like Phoebe but romantic as Rachel. Yet, better looking than both**_

_**LJ: shut up; you're just a Joey**_

_**Gael: I wish! **_

_**LJ: why? Do you want girls all over you? **_

_**Gael: nah, just one. P.s. I ship Rachel and Joey.**_

_**LJ: see, you're Tribbianing on me rn**_

_**Gael: how you doin'? **_

Gael is such a nice guy; if I met him in any other time of my life I'd fall for him so easily… but in this moment, my head has a big blur. He's totally a Joey Tribbiani, without the women part.

…

It's already Friday which means I'm picking up Kitty in UVA. I wake up excited just to think about it. I got up early so I made dad and Trina some banana pancakes, and after they left, I decided to go to the market get some stuff. I'm thinking about something I can cook for Kitty, but I'm running out of ideas, but maybe wandering around the market's shelves I might have some ideas.

My phone buzzes at my pocket and it's a call from Liz.

"Hey?"I place the phone at my shoulder to put the groceries on the cashier.

"Hi LJ? How you doing?" she's being polite, that's awkward.

"Fine, and you?"

"Same. So did you enjoyed the night with Kavinsky?"

"I did actually… it wasn't exactly my intention but it happened. I slept with him the other night, and when we woke up he said he never got over me and shit." I'm paying for my shopping and head towards my car.

"Really?! He doesn't waste his time.."

"And yesterday John showed up on my place too. He said he wanted to grab a sweater, but he also came here to tell me he's sorry and he wants me back…" I sigh "Then, Peter arrived and they were like dogs on a pissing contest to mark territory… That was fucking exhausting."

"Shit LJ, have you done some kind of spell or something? Gael keeps mocking me about how much he misses you… actually, I do too. I miss you girl."

"Are you sick?! Calling me, being polite and now saying you miss me?!" I giggle.

"Your right, I'm feeling terrible. We operated on a pancreatic tumor; patient died on the table. It was an elder lonely man, but still… sometimes I wonder if this job is worth it"

"Geez Liz, I'm so sorry. Must be really though… Wish I could be there for you"

"It's fine. Gael, Audrey and Dean are coming over. We're making a movie night without you, I hope you don't mind. I don't want to be alone tonight."

"Sure, it's fine. Whatever you need to make you feel better."

"Actually that's the reason I called you. Tell me about boys to get this ghosts out of my mind!"

"I don't feel like talking about them. But I have some really exciting news: Margot's pregnant! She just told us…"

Liz and I talk about pregnancy and babies. Liz doesn't really like kids, she's frightened just to think of having a baby. Her last boyfriend, Brad, would always say he wanted to have a bunch of kids and she always changed subject. It's funny thing to picture, us too in the future, me with my kids and she with her dogs. She insists to know what exactly happen, so I turn on the speaker and tell her details about the night with Peter.

When I get home I finally start cooking. So I decide to make a Mexican night! As dessert, I'm going to try making some churros. As I cook, my phone buzzes and it's Peter texting me.

_**Peter: are you ignoring me?**_

Yes, I definitely am. You acted like a child yesterday and that's a game two can play. Another buzz.

_**Gael: so… did u talked to liz? She's having a hard time and called the movie night**_

_**Gael: if there's something you want me to do for her let me know**_

_**LJ: just pick nice movie, nothing bloody **_

_**LJ: that sounded morbidly, but u got it**_

_**Gael: sure. I'll make her watch some creep cult movie she'll hate instead**_

_**LJ: wise choice (:**_

_**Gael: you're ok with me coming to your house when you're not here? I never asked you**_

_**LJ: of course Gael, she's your friend too**_

_**Gael: she's my friend, you're something else**_

His words makes me feel something moving on my stomach. I'm smiling at my phone again. Gael, why did you show up in my life when I decided to be alone? I can't give him an answer but I can't ignore his message. Humor is the only way out.

_**LJ: im the nicest one, I know it**_

I finish cooking and Gael didn't answer my last text; I hope it didn't hurt him. It's time to pick Kitty on UVA, so I'm heading to my car. As I enter, my phone buzzes and I rush to look at it.

_**John: yesterday went definitely wrong. I thought maybe we could go out and talk properly… if you're free this weekend. **_

Another butterfly. It definitely seems like Satan is playing me; I said single for a year and here am I, walking through the path of temptation.

…

"Hey sis! I got so much to tell you… tomorrow you're coming with me downtown. I finally schedule with the tattoo artist I showed you last week…" Kitty is putting on her seatbelt.

"Someone is excited" I giggle at her; she's smiling like a child in Christmas morning.

"Yes, I finally lost my virginity. God bless!" I widen my eyes at her. How can Kitty talk about this things like she's talking about literally anything else? I blush just thinking about sex.

"You what? When? WHO?" My jaw is on the floor.

"You don't know him. His name is Sean, his two years older. We've been seeing each other in a while, but I didn't feel like introducing him to our family. There's no point. I like him and he likes me but it's not that serious. As mom said, it's better not to date during college."

"Guess I'm the only one who ignored her advice. How is he like? Show me a picture at least."

Kitty type fast on her phone and than shows me a picture of a tall blonde boy, he looks like that actor from Sabrina's, Ross Lunch I guess. He's wearing Halloween makeup and kissing Kitty on her cheeks.

"Since Halloween? That was like months ago. And you didn't tell me a word?" I'm feeling kind of betrayed.

"He was only my friend at the time. We started hanging out officially about a month ago."

"And how are you feeling about it? Losing your… virginity with him?" I have to struggle with the words because they don't come out easily. I'm talking to my little sis, that's something awkward.

"Great. I know most of the girls want this to be like the most special thing in the world and stuff. I do think it must be special. Sean is not exactly my boyfriend, and I know this sound strange but that's the reason I wanted it to be with him. He's my best friend and I love him as a person. That's how I know I will never regret this moment. If eventually we become boyfriend and girlfriend, our friendship came first. And that's the most important for me. Do you get me?"

"I think I do. He's you're best friend and the person you trust the most. You love him because of that, so that's why you choose him instead of a guy you eventually would fall in love and perhaps could hurt you in some way that would make you regret your first time. Is that it?"

"Yes! That's exactly the point. Am I awkward?"

"Of course not Kitty. Your first time is yours, you know better than anyone else what's best for you. Was it good? Are you happy about it?"

"Hell yeah. It was amazing… I'm kind of regretting I didn't do this earlier in life. Geez!"

"Kitty!" I giggle "If you weren't so similar to dad I would never believe we are sisters. You're the completely opposite of me."

"As if. Stop playing the saint Lara Jean, I can tell you got lucky too. Tell me all about it."

Of course I don't tell her all the details, but I tell her what happened during the week. We're home already, I'm swiping through tv channels.

"Wise choice to be single, time to take advantage on this guys. You can like have dinner with them in alternate days so you won't pay for it until you go back home" she laughs at the thought and I can't help laughing too.

"Not a bad idea, I like free meals."

"But think about it. You're single and they are willing to have you back. Make them work for it! Don't go so easy, they were both jerks. And they are already on disadvantage, because Gael is still a decent guy until he proves otherwise"

"You do have a point Kitty. But at the moment I'm ignoring both of them, I want to enjoy my night men free"

…

After dinner I grab my phone and have some new texts.

_**John: no pressure, I just want to talk.**_

_**Gael: I have no idea what this movie is about, Liz is so pissed. It's b&w, I guess she'll kill me at the end.**_

No new messages from Peter. He didn't say a word about yesterday. I don't know why but this makes me angry. He put me in such a terrible position and doesn't even bother to explain himself? Doesn't even text? I mean he texted me, I ignored his text and that's it? He doesn't even care about it.

I made a decision in this moment, maybe I ate too much pepper and my senses are off. I turn on my car and drive to Peter's. He's going to listen what I've got to say.

…


	12. Grown up

A/n: I'm sorry I took so long to update! Now I'm officially on vacation so I think it'll be easier to write new stuff. I'm back you guys, hope you enjoy this chapter!

Why did I even come here? I'm questioning my reasons now. I'm inside my car, parked across Peter's house. I have to talk to him, to tell him he acted like an ass with John. But now that I'm here, it feels like something else – this is acting like a girlfriend. And the thought of it scares me, especially when it comes to Peter. Am I being extra?

_**Lara Jean: I'm outside.**_

It's been 5 minutes and I'm trying to figure out what exactly I'm going to say while I wait for his answer.

_Oh, why'd you have to be so cute?__  
__It's impossible to ignore you__  
__Why must you make me laugh so much?__  
__It's bad enough we get along so well_

I get distracted by the song striking on the radio. I giggle at the lyrics, "I feel you, girl!" I mentally tell to the singer. My phone rings and I pick it up.

"Hey"

"Where are you?" Peter's voice echoes.

"Outside." I fix my voice, I want him to know I'm pissed.

"Outside where...? Like outside my house?" his voice is lower now.

"Yes. We have to talk."

"Look... You're right, we do have. But... the thing is... I'm not home. Why didn't you text me before? Or called? I didn't know you were coming." Peter sounds annoyed.

"You didn't tell me you were coming to my house either."

"Look, I really can't do this right now... I'm sorry, but you should have talked to me earlier. I'm in the middle of something, I can't just come home ok? Can we talk again tomorrow?" he sighs, like he's the one who's mad at me.

"Ok, I'm leaving" I shrug. Why is he even mad?! I'm the one who's supposed to be. I put my phone down and press my fingers on my tempor. Peter drives me mad in every possible way.

My phone rings again, but it is a call from Gael.

"Gael?"

"Hey LJ. I just wanted to talk to you about something." I can tell by his voice he's smiling.

"Okay, go on"

"I've got the opportunity to expose my drawings at a comics fair in New York this weekend. Didn't tell you before because I was afraid it wouldn't happen. Now it's all settled! How awesome is that?"

"That's amazing! I'm so happy for you! I'm sure you'll get to sell a bunch of them. They're are amazing you know that."

"I hope so!" he giggles. "so I was wondering if you would consider coming with me? I know you want to spend your vacation home with your family, but it's just a couple of days... I'd really appreciate if you could come with me."

Jesus. I do feel really excitedl Gael is having such na amazing opportunity, and I'd enjoy seen his expo. On the other hand, it's complicated...

"Gael..." I sigh.

"Before you deny, take your time to think about it, ok? You can tell me later. Just promise you'll consider." He still seem to be smiling as we speak. Damn, he's so excited...

"Ok, I'll think about it. Promise." I probably shouldn't say this, because I'm definitely not coming. I just suck at disappointing people I care about.

"Great! Hope you say yes. Miss you neighbor"

"No pressure" I giggle sarcastically. "Stop being cute, you're not able to manipulate me."

"We'll see. Text me later?"

"Sure, goodnight Gael."

I put my phone down and sigh; I'm still staring at Peter's house, thinking about Gael's plans. Time to go home and process all this. I turn on the engine and check the mirror, so I can leave my spot. That's when his front door suddenly opens. I see the silhouette of a woman in a nightrobe with her arms crossed. She definitely looks the same as I remember, only with a few more wrinkles on her eyes, looking classy even when she's on pajamas. Mrs. Kavinsky is starring directly at my car and coming towards my direction.

My eyes widen in disbelief, she's actually coming to my window! I slide it down so I can face her, while I mentally count to ten. Geez, why do I still so nervous to face this woman? I'm a grown ass woman now, I shouldn't be scarred. (Yet, I am. Very. Very sacared).

"Lara Jean? Is that you? Long time no see!" her voice sounds like na old song from my highschool days and she's smiling at me like she's pleased and surprised at the same time.

"Goodnight Mrs. Kavinsky... hm... How are you doing?" I manage to form a completely sentence without sounding like a talking potato.

"I'm doing great, thanks for asking. May I ask you why have you've been on my front door for like 30min? Is there something I could help you with?" AHA! There it is! Her passive aggressive way with words. That's exactly what I expect of her. Now she's looking even more familiar...

Damn. I can't just tell her I came here to see her son. What can I say?

"Hm... I actually just stopped because... hmm... I received a phone call. And I had to pick it, so I parked here... It was actually a big coincidence!" I smile back at her, as I try to sound calm and _mature._

"Sure it is." She raises her eyebrows at me. "I thought you came here to see Peter. Well, he's not in town anyway. He's in NYC. I'm planning on visiting him and his fiancé this weekend. You wouldn't believe the gorgeous man I raised! It's a shame you didn't got to see him. And the girl, she's amazing. I'm so happy for them, I barely believe my baby is getting married!"

Of course she would mention his fiancé... Ex. Ex-fiancé. She obviously doesn't imagine how much I know about Peter's life. This thought brings me a little satisfaction. There was a time when I used to focus all my energy on trying to receive some kind of affection from her. All I ever wanted was to have a nice relationship with my boyfriend's mother. But as the years gone by I understand she's way protective with her sons and no woman will ever be good enough for Peter or Owen. I get that, I respect that. On the other hand, it's kind of rude she still treating me that way since she doesn't see me in ages and I'm not even a threat anymore.

"They were both amazing boys, I imagine they turned out to be amazing men as well. I'm happy to hear about you guys. I wish you and your family the best, always!"

She cleared her throat as she realized she was being too harsh. Her following words came out more softly and sincere.

"Thank you Lara Jean. It's nice to see you, you still look exactly the same. I wish the same for you and your family!"

...

The following morning I wake up with the sound of Kitty walking around my room. She's searching for something inside my wardrobe.

"Hey, what's it?" I yawn. I look at my phone and it's 9:40am.

"I can't find my babyliss anywhere!"

"Why do you need it right now?!" I'm bring grumpy because I still want to sleep and she's making so much noise!

"Because I'm going to get my tattoo! I told you about it yesterday, hello! By the way, put these on, you're taking me. I need my older sister to be there for me." She throws a denim shorts and a flowered blouse at me. It looks like a Pinterest combination. " I want us too look cool, ok?"

"Fine" I shrug.

...

As an older sister should do, I'm standing right next to Kitty and facetiming with Margot. We're both laughing as she looks regretting her earlier idea.

"I definitely need to see Dad's reaction! You guys need to record it for me!" Margot is sitting on her couch eating icecream, she's definitely getting those pregnant food desires.

"I'm definitely recording it, I promise." I assure her. It's gonna be hilarious, I know that. My dad is constantly forgetting we're not children anymore. The fact that Margot is getting married and having a baby and Kitty is having a butterfly tattooed on her arm are like daily reminders that his baby girls are now women.

"It's done" Peter said behind his mask. Not Kavinsky, Peter Gomez the tattoo artist. He's as good looking as Kavinsky though. "I hope your old man is into that, because there's no turning back now! Take a look at it" It's a butterfly with flowers inside, covering her side shoulder. It's black and white and it looks so beautiful. I loved it!

"That's amazing Peter! You're the best! I almost forget how much I hated you for the past couple hours" Kitty stares herself at the mirror on the wall

"It is really delicate, really lovely Kitty!" Margot said through my phone. "Guess I'll get one too, but smaller. I never really thought about it."

"You girls should have a sister's tattoo, I could draw something. Just send me ideas" Peter says as he throws away the materials.

"Oh that's such great idea! I loved it!" I say "a Song girls tattoo!"

"I'm in! I'll search for references on Pinterest as soon as I get home!" Kitty says excited as she keeps looking at her new tattoo on the mirror in different angles.

"It's actually a good idea! Let's definitely think about it" Margot added.

I know my father too well, so before we go home I stop by the market so I can buy ingredients to make some Thai tonight. It's funny to mess with him, but in case he actually freak out at least a nice meal will soft his reaction.

As I make my way to the cashier, somebody touch my left arm. Kitty and I turn around and John Ambrose is right in front of us, holding a basket full of fruits and salads and a cople of beer cans. What is it about this market? Does the whole town shops in here?

"LJ? Hi there. Hm... Hello Kitty." He laughs at this sentence, kind of nervous. "How come I never realized this pun?"

"Hey. I take this sis, I'll wait on the car" Kitty rolls her eyes at him and leave us alone.

"She never liked me much, huh? Somethings never change" he's smiling bitterly

"This is just her personality, nothing personal you know that." I'm liyng. When Kitty was little and I dated Peter, she saw John as a threat. She grow up, but I guess the image of "the guy who tried to take Lara Jean from Peter while they were dating" still there, because she never got along with him the same way she did with Peter.

"Right... Listen, I know you ignored my texts, but I really got to say this. LJ, I'm so sorry about the other day, I was completely immature. I just didn't expect to see Kavinsky. Or any other guy actually... Not that I wanted you to wait on me or something. I just kind of hoped you were still in love with me too." He gives me a sad smile that shakes my heart.

"John, I get it. But I told you, it's not like that. It's way more complicated... Can we talk somewhere else?"

I text Kitty to go home and head to John's car. He asks me where I'd like to go, and I have no clue. He start to drive and head to a nice park near my house, but we stay inside his car.

"It was not easy to forget you. It hurted a lot in the beginning. I loved you, you know that. I was just not ready to get married and have children because I'm just starting my career. How could I deal with all this stuff at the same time? Well, then I decided I would take care of myself, and decided I wanted to be single at least for a year so I'll be able to put myself as priority."

"I know. I did the same, I searched for professional help so I could get my mind together... I pressured you way too much, I know that now. It's just... Now _he's_ here. And when I saw him I guessed my chances with you were out."

"John, it's not about Peter. It's about you and me we're talking. Peter and I just went out a couple times, that's it! I'm just saying it's hard to let you in once it was so hard to let you go..."

"Seems to me you gave him a chance, after all" he smiles ironically looking at me. "Do you still feel something for him? After all this time? After all he did to you, LJ? Please, be honest."

I take a deep breath. I didn't expect this question and neither I know how to answer. Do I feel something for him? Well, definitely something... But do I still in love with him? I hope not...

"No, I don't."

"So let me make you fall in love with me again, LJ... " he approachs me softly and my heart skip a beat. I close my eyes and we're kissing, like nothing bad ever happened to us. Like when we kissed for the first time. God, I miss him. I still miss him... But I stop him. Our foreheads still touching, though.

"John... We shouldn't." I say but my words are failing.

He clears his throat and smile looking kind of ashamed.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I miss you so much... It's hard to hold myself back." John laughs and rub his face with his hands like he's washing his feelings away. "Can I get at least a date with you? Babysteps I promise. No pressure..."

"Jonh, I don't know..."

"Just consider it. Can you please think about it? You were able to forgive that douchebag, is it that hard to forgive me too?"


	13. Again

a/n: I'm so so so sorry I haven't been updating this in like ages, but my personal life was such a mess! lol. Now I'm quarentining (and I hope you guys are too) so I have plenty time. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Let me know ✨

I'm at home, cooking Thai in hope my dad won't freak out when he realizes Kitty has a quite large tattoo on her arm. But my thoughts are drifting on the last 24h events. Is Peter really in NYC, or Mrs. Kavinsky just said that because she wanted me away? Should I give a new chance to John? He seems to be actually regretting the things he said to me. And Gael is still waiting for me to answer if I'm coming with him... God! How come my vacation turned out to be about three boys driving me mad? My phone buzzes and distract me from my thoughts.

_**Peter: look I can't talk to you right now, I'm in the middle of something ok? I just want to ask you please do not text me or call until I tell you it is ok. Please, can you do that? I'll explain it when I'm back. Thanks**_

That was the confirmation I needed. His mother didn't lied after all, he's in NYC, and he's probably around his ex. That's the only reason I can think of why he would ask me that. I need to ask him. It's like there's a red alarm set on my mind telling me something is really wrong.

_**LJ: are u NYC?**_

_**Peter: how u know that?**_

That's basic the male way of saying _yes._ So he's definitely in NYC. My heart seems likes is beating a little faster than usual. I type it and send it before I can regret it.

_**LJ: is your girlfriend there with you?**_

_**Peter: yes, she is.**_

I didn't realized i was still holding a knife until this moment, when I dropped it. The metallic sound woke me up to my reality. I grab it and clean the spot where it felt on the floor, and then I pick my phone back. On the screen I can see the notification.

_**Peter: it's not what your thinking. Just trust me on this ok? I can't explain right now.**_

_**LJ: you don't have to**_

I put my phone away, I'm done with this. I get back to my cooking activity in order to process the whole thing. There's so many thoughts going on my head in this moment that I feel like when you enter the subway and it's full and there are so many people talking at the same time that it sounds like a loud echo. Yet, I feel something even more familiar. I feel just the way I felt when I walked into a seminaked Peter Kavinsky with another girl, back in college days.

The thing is: this time I'm the naked girl inside his dorm. Well, figuratively. Was it so obvious that this would happen? Was I a fool to think maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be able to break my heart again? How did I got into this? There's another feeling inside me: anger. I'm angry I was fooled by his smile once again. I'm angry because my broken heart should be reason enough for me to never talk to him again. _Liar. Asshole!_ I curse him mentally a thousand times.

Buzz. My phone again. I have a mental battle to decide whether should I look at it or not.

_**John: reminded me of you.**_

Along with the text, John sent me a picture of a white cat with big green eyes, dressed as a baker and a huge fake chocolate cake by his side. When I smile I notice my eyes were burning and a small tear rolls on my face.

So, I act by impulse.

"Hey, John?!"

"Hey LJ! What is it?"

"Hmm... I thought about what you... What you asked me."

"Please tell me you're giving me a second chance"

"Just a date. No big deal... "

" I'll make it worth it! Tomorrow night?"

"Deal"

...

When Dad and Trina arrived, I notice Kitty was upstairs, which doesn't really seems like a coincidence. I finish the dinner like hours ago, so I'm on my pajamas watching Netflix on the couch. Dad gives me little peck on the forehead and then head straight to the shower, Trina seats by my side with that "you-can't-imagine-what-happened-today" face.

"What is it?!" I giggle at her.

"You'll never guess who I bumped into at the gym this morning" she presses her mouth like she won't tell me until I figure out by myself, but then immediately she start talking again. "Mrs. Kavinsky! She didn't age at all..."

"Oh, that's something I can't really imagine." I roll my eyes at her name.

"She asked me about you. I told her you're a brilliant surgeon, and then I had to listen a lecture about how wealthy and successful the great Peter Kavinsky turned out to be. Did you know he's getting married?"

"Well actually, he was going to propose to his girlfriend. But then they broke up..." Trina raises her eyebrows at me. "that's what he told me, at least."

"According to his mom he's actually going to get married. She said he's just setting up things in NYC, and the event will be placed here."

"I think she just wanted you to tell me that, I think she's lying." I lift my shoulders.

"Why would she do that, sweetie? It's been ages since you two broke up. Otherwise, she can compliment him as she wants, we all know what a dumbass he was when you two were together"

"You're not lying, though. They were all dumbass" I roll up my eyes. Men. "Hey, Trina. Kitty just got a tattoo. Don't freak out!" I say it when I see her chin dropping forming the letter O. "I cooked some Thai food and I need your help to keep this house in peace ok?"

"You girls are crazy. I'll find some wine to help your father relax, he'll be alright."

When dad finally sees Kitty's tattoo, we're the one's surprised. He actually liked it! Then tears started popping out of his eyes. "My baby is growing so fast!" he said as he hold Kitty in a thigh hug. He also loved the dinner menu and was so happy tonight that made me forget about everything else in the world. There's no place I'd rather be today. I love my family and I wish Margot were here with us.

...

The day passed by pretty quickly as Kitty and I helped dad and Trina with the house chores. The house was a completely mess, so we spend the whole afternoon on it. We also got some Goodwill boxes, and Kitty is way attached to her stuff (just like me!). So when we're finally done, I take a long relaxing warm shower.

_**John:**_ _**let me know when you're ready.**_

_**LJ: I'm ready. I'll wait outside**_

I'm opening the front door when I notice Kitty eating ice cream by the kitchen, she's starring at me.

"Peter?" she asks with a chuckle.

"John..." I aswer with a half smile. She rolls up her eyes and point her fingers at me.

"I'm watching you, Lara Jean."

About five minutes later, John arrives. Is funny to think of him coming to pick me up at the house I spent my teenage days. Because that reminds me of the times I waited here, at the same spot, for Peter to pick me up. That time I had a curfew and used to get so anxious when he was late because the longer i waited, the lesser time we would have together.

"Hey, you look nice!" John greets me as I put on the seat belt. I'm actually wearing casual clothes, my black pantacourt pants and a turtle neck white long sleeve blouse, with Dr Marten's boots. My hair is loose, straight and I'm wearing little make up.

"Thanks, so do you!" John is dressed as John, in a nice grey sweater and jeans. He's so opposite from Peter. Even as a grown man I bet Peter prefer oversized t-shirts and old jeans. Why am I thinking of him?

...

During dinner, the mood between us completely shifted. Something in the air makes our situation kind of... _akward. _It's like John is being very careful with his words, so he asks me about my career, about my family and other ordinary subjects. As we finish our meal, he asks me if we can take a walk at this park that is next to the restaurant we just left.

"Hey LJ, I really appreciate that you're here tonight."

"Thanks for inviting me"

"So...what made you decide to give me a second chance?"

"I didn't... John, I just thought it wouldn't be fair to you not to listen what you wanted to tell me. Since I gave Peter this opportunity... It was totally different situations, but both of you hurt me in the past. Well... and I'm terrible at being mad at people, you know that."

"Fair enough... Does he know you're here?"

"Peter? Why... I didn't feel like I need to tell him about this, I mean his not my... _boyfriend_ or anything." I shrug. "I really don't want to talk about him"

"I see. Let's talk about us then..." he reaches my hand and I instictly pull it against my chest. He decides to ignore this and continue to talk, but I can sense he's hesitant. "Being completely honest with you, I miss you LJ. And I really wish we could just go back to how things were before I mess it all up. But I understand you moved on with your life and I came here without a proper warning... What I'm trying to say is... if you're willing to try again I'm ready, just say the words. But if you're still hesitant, I'm patient. I waited you for a long time and I can wait again." John gives me a broken smile. "And if..."

My phone buzzes on my purse a couple times, I'm receiving a call. His name seems to be so big on my phone's screen: Peter Kavinsky. John read it. I hesitate, it's completely akward to pick this with John by my side. On the other hand I really feel like I should curse all Kavinsky's generation for the things he put me through this days.

"You can pick it if you want to..." John say looking away.

Gosh. I really want to...

But I press to turn off instead.

"I really don't have to"

"Where were we? Right... so I just wanted to tell you..."

My phone buzzes again, and again. Peter is calling me again and left me a couple messages.

_**Peter: c'mon covey, let me just explan myself! **_

_**I know you're ignoring me**_

_**Pick it pick it **_

_**Covey, cmonnnn**_

"I think you should pick it then." John sighs.

"I'm sorry. Just a second..."

...


	14. Decisions

I walk a bunch of steps away from John so he won't listen much of what I'm talking to Peter. It's such an akward situation...

"What's it Kavinsky? I'm busy, just spill it" I hope I sound annoyed.

"Hey, Covey. I'm sorry I didn't say much the other day, but I'm heading home and we can talk properly..."

"I don't think we have much to talk about"

"I owe explanations, dammit! Why are you being so harsh on me? You don't even know what's going on here..."

"I know exactly what's going on. This time I am the naked girl in your dorm..."

"What? No, that doesn't even make sense..."

"You're in NYC with your girlfriend, Peter. I bet she doesn't know you and I were hanging here right? I bet she doesn't even know I exist. And that's exactly what cheating sound like."

"Are you crying? Covey, wait you got it all wrong... Jesus! Don't cry please, it's not like that. She asked me to come here, her father was really sick and I came here to help them. To help her family... We're not back... I mean, not like that! I was just being a good friend after being such a dick with her. Covey, please don't cry. I'll be there by tomorrow afternoon, and we can actually talk, I'll tell you all about it. It was just so sudden I haven't had time to explain."

I haven't notice until he ask me, but yes I was crying. It's impossible for me to get uppset with someone and argue with them without crying. But I felt so dumb in this moment... he was just helping his ex girlfriend and I was making such a big deal about it, playing jealousy all over him... gosh, I'm so embarrassed right now.

After this feeling of embarrass slowly fade, I felt something else: relief. "Peter is not _with_ her, he's just there for her." I felt so excited as this thought crossed my mind.

"Oh... Ok, I'm so embarrassed I made such a scene. Gosh, I'm really sorry Peter. I don't know why I acted so..."

"Jealously? It's fine, at least this means I still have this effect on you."

"Shut up! Couldn't you just tell me that? How would I know?!" I shrug. I sudden remember John is still standing a few meters behind me. "I'm really in the middle of something here. Can I talk to you later?"

"Sure, I'll call you tomorrow"

John is holding his phone, scrolling on his Instagram feed. His visible trying to show he wasn't paying attention, but I know him too well. He probably listened it all.

"Sorry about that again..." I say as I feel my face blush.

"It's fine... But I guess there is more going on between you two then a couple dates, right? Please be honest with me."

"John, it's not like that. He was a really important person for me, for a couple years of my life. It's complicated..."

"And you still love him?"

"No... I don't think so..." i can't just lie to John.

"Why are you crying then? Did he hurt you again?" John is talking to me with a soft voice, but at the same time I can tell he's expecting something from me.

I take a deep breath. There's no way I can continue on that situation. John Ambrose means a lot to me, he's the guy I always dreamed to marry. I wish he never left me, I wish we were still the same. But that's not how things work. The truth is Peter Kavinsky is all over my head and I can't just ignore this. It wouldn't be fair.

"We slept together. That's it. Since then I got it all twisted in my mind. I wish I could say yes to you, I wish we could go back to where we were. But I didn't pause my life while you were away. I promised myself I would be single for a year so I could focus on my career. I didn't expect Peter to show up in my life, but he did. I didn't expect I would still feel something about him, but I do. And that doesn't mean I'm replacing you. I loved you John Ambrose, but you left me and my life went on. I'm sorry, but that's the whole true."

"Oh. You said enough" his face was red like it was the day we broke up, he was mad. John crossed his arms and stared at the horizon like he couldn't look at my face right now, but he still talked with his soft voice like that's a normal conversation. "Actually, it doesn't really surprise me. I always wondered what would happen if he showed up in your life. I guessed right, you never got over him. Did you even love me? Or I was like your plan B in life? Because that's how I feel right now."

"Of course you weren't! I was in love with you since school time and you know that! And I hated him for a long time of my life, and you know that too. Don't ever doubt that! I was always honest with you, that's not fair." I feel like tears are burning in my eyes again. Dammit, why can't I argue without crying?

"Right. I believe you loved me, I didn't mean that. But at the same time, it's frustrating to be at this position again. Shit, Lara Jean! We've been here before! We're not teenagers anymore... We had a life together, for God's sake!"

"Don't you think I know that?! I don't want you out of my life, I never wanted anything like that! What happened between us was the best thing ever happened to me. I still love you." My tears are way too hard to control at this point, so I just let them roll. "I fucking love you John Ambrose. I love you so much that I can't live with the possibility of you turning your back on me when you realize we don't want the same things! It hurted way too much."

"You love me? Lara Jean, you're sleeping with your ex-boyfriend! That's a really awkward way to love somebody." He laughs sarcastically trying to avoid looking at my eyes. "I already told you I regret that! If I knew you were going back to him..."

"It happened before you talk to me! How would I know you would ask me another chance?" my words are getting scrambled because I'm crying that hard. He stops avoiding my gaze and takes a deep breath. John stare at my eyes and holds me, suddenly.

"Please stop crying. I can't argue with you like that." He whispers to me with a half smile. "it's just hard to think of you spending a night with that guy. I know I hurted you, and I already said I'm desperately sorry. But just the thought of you two together, it hurts like hell and you know that. That guy doesn't deserve you LJ! He never did, and you know that."

"I just told you what happened. It doesn't mean we're back together or anything... As you said yourself we're not teenagers anymore. And I still want to focus on myself." I'm still in his arms, and this made my tears dry for a while. "At this moment I just can't tell you what I feel about Peter, and neither what I feel about you. It's all too cloudy for me. You both messed my mind, and I don't have any answers."

"I'm glad at least you were honest with me. Way too honest." He stops holding me and presses the tip of my nose in a playful way. "You could save some details next time. We'll, I never thought we'd be here again. But if that's what it takes to conquer you, I guess I'll have to compete with Kavinsky again." He's joking, but his eyes look devastating.

"That's not what I meant, John"

"I know, I'm joking. Just tell me this: do I still got a chance? Even the tiniest little chance to conquer your heart again?"

"I guess you'll always have." I roll my eyes at him. "I missed my best friend." I hold back the tears that are trying to pop once again, while he hugs me again.

"I missed you too, LJ. I promise I won't leave anymore. Even if... you choose him. I love you."

...

It's Sunday night and I spent the whole day doing absolutely nothing useful. Kit was as bored as me so we basically laid together on her bedroom and gossip about her college mates. Peter said he was going to call me so I get anxious everytime my phone buzzes. But most of the time, the texts were from Gael. He was talking about the drawings he should take to the exposition. He sent me a bunch of pictures and I was helping him to pick the best ones.

"You know what's akward? Do you feel like you have two completely different lifes? I mean, my regular life, that's when I'm at my apartment with Liz and I'm a intern working like 60h/week and studying the rest of it. My daily problems are paying bills, pass tests, be successful at surgeries etc. Then, by night Gael knocks on my door, we cuddle and I leave him at 6am because I'm probably late... and then there's this life. A life where Peter Kavinsky is taking me on dates, and John Ambrose comes back to my life saying he loves me, and I have literally no other probles to solve because I'm on vacation so I spend most part of my days thinking about... _men!"_

"You'll never stop to overthink things, will you? You should definitely become a writer, suits you better. You're way too dramatic, Lara Jean." Kitty decided to paint her nails so I begged her to paint mine too. She's currently holding my left foot.

"I mean it. If I said yes to John yesterday, this other life would just vanish and maybe we could go back to how things were..."

"So you're considering it?"

"I don't know. I really love him, and I miss what we had... On the other hand, having Peter back in my life is amazing too. And getting back with John means turning my back to him again."

"Well, yes. But I mean, it's not like you and Peter are going anywhere with that, right? You guys live in totally different states, have completely different careers. And we can tell he's afraid of commitment. John is totally opposite from that! You guys had an adult relationship, and he's willing to be a better boyfriend and respect your espace."

"Maybe I could take both with me, introduce them to Gael and then we plan a relationship. Mondays and Tuesdays with John, Wednesdays and Thursdays with Gael, Fridays and Saturdays with Peter! Sunday it's the rest day, when I can do facemasks and chill" We laugh so hard our belly hurts "Shit, I wish I could blend them all together into one nice, hot and sensitive guy!

"You wish! Or maybe we can do like a reality show, where they have to struggle through the most ridiculous tasks and the winner gets LJs heart! That's probably worth some dollars, I'll write it down so I can make a patent then" The way Kitty tell this absurd ideas like they are serious makes it even funnier.

"There are probably a zillion reality shows like that around the world. It's probably easier to choose this way"

My phone buzzes again.

_**Peter: are you up for a milkshake? I miss corner café**_

_**LJ: give me 30 min. I'm heading to shower**_

_**Peter: hmm...*dirtyl memories popping in my head***_

_**LJ: **_

_**Peter: just kidding bae**_

_**A/n: Hi there, how's your quarentine? I hope you and your families are doing fine. I know it's a tough time to everyone around the world, so I'm trying to write as soon as I can to help us to distract ourselves from all this terrible things. Wish you all the best, and hope that this will all end soon. Next chapter I'll give you some Kovinsky ️**_


	15. Misjudged

A/N: I hope you guys are doing fine! I know this story may seem like it's going nowhere but I have the next chapter already in my mind. Hope you guys enjoy this one, please review so I can always improve it!

There are places and flavors that seem to make you time travel. Corner café was the place I spent most of my days when I lived here. And this place didn't change at all in the past years. It looks exactly the same.

I spot this guy alone in one table, with a chocolate milkshake in front of him. He smiles at me, like it's been ages no seen. Like he's glad I'm here. Peter Kavinsky is always smiling, don't matter what. That's something I always loved about him.

"Hey, you ordered already?" I sit in front of Peter. He watches me, paying attention to every detail of my appearance.

"Sorry, I was starving. But I waited for you so we can order our burguers, we can have those with bacon, how do you like it?"

"You know me so well" I giggle at him. He calls the waitress and order. "So... I guess I owe you na apology." I stare at him, I bet my face is blushing right now.

"It's fine, Covey. I'll go easy on you this time." Peter blinks his eye at me.

"So, can I ask what actually happened? Because according to your mother..."

"My mother? Did you talk to her?" Peter raises his eyebrows at me. "She didn't tell me that."

"Well, I... Trina saw her other day, they bumped into each other at the market I guess... Anyways, she said you were in NYC preparing things for your... wedding." I stutter. I'm still a terrible liar, but I don't really feel like telling him about my terrible meet with his mother.

"Tipical" He giggles. "She would brag about me and Owen even to a tree if she could. But no, I was there because Rebeca's father had an heart attack. Her parents are divorced, and her father lives alone, so she needed to be there for him. On the other hand, she needed someone to help out with her appointments and her crazy agenda. Well... I'm still the closest person she have so... I mean, I couldn't say no to her."

"Of course, I totally get it. Is he better now?" The waitress brings our food and we take our bites. He thanks her and gives her a wink, which causes her to brush and giggle. Peter Kavinsky still the same from high school.

"Well, she's paying a nurse to keep an eye on him. He's a strong elder, she's just too cautious. They have a really close relationship, so she was the one I was most concerned about." He has a sad look in his eyes when talking about this. "I was worried she could have an anxiety crisis or something. She struggled a lot with this stuff in the past"

"God, is she okay?" I ask.

"Well, she is now. I convinced her to book an appointment with her psychologist. And with the nurse there she felt okay with going back to her apartment. He's stubborn, he doesn't want to leave his house, but it is impossible for her to live in his house. It's way too far from everything. We'll figure this out... I mean, she. She will figure this out."

"I can't image how tough it is. Just the thought of my father sick makes me nuts." I say, sincerely. My dad means the world to me, and I'm so glad he's perfectly healthy and happy.

"Yeah, it was not easy. For both of us." He sighs. "Let's change subjects? I don't want to think about this right now."

As we eat, we talk about random things. Peter is trying to convince me to watch Game of Thrones, even though the last season sucks according to him. I'm not a person who's really into scenes of heads getting cut off, but he's so convincing I'm considering to give it a chance. On the other hand he's now obligated to watch all seasons of This Is Us, if I'll suffer he will too. I bet he'll cry three times more than I did.

...

It's late, I'm in his car. We're singing Bohemian Rhapsody, the song just popped on the radio and we couldn't resist. In this moment my heart is racing, my smile is so wide my mouth is aching. He squeezes my knee softly and grab my hand. Without taking the eyes of the road, he kisses my hand.

"You're the best, Covey."

This is a memory I wanna keep.

...

I just wish we could have a few more hours together...

I sigh.

"Thanks for tonight, Covey." He is smiling, sincerely.

"Like the old days, huh? I kind of miss being a teenager sometimes"

"Me too. Back when practicing lacrosse and having a girlfriend were my only concerns."

"Things were just so easy!" I giggle.

"Not _that_ easy, you used to drive me crazy sometimes... you still do." He places his hand on my face, caressing my cheeks with a lovely face on.

"Guess that I'm just _too_ good at it!" I giggle and kiss him.

Then he lets me go with a gigglingly sigh. "Well, I agree." He gives a quick look to his watch.

"You're mother is home today?" I ask.

"Actually yes, she is. I better get going."

"Okay, text me later?"

...

"Have you talked to Gael? I'm getting annoyed of him saying your name like every ten seconds. I mean, if you're considering to leave him maybe that's a good time because I'm having way too many surgeries this weekend and he just can't be quiet during one fucking movie! He's a terrible friend for this things, I miss you" Liz voice is echoing since she's speaking through her car's speaker. She's on her way to work.

"Well, you just have to deal with him for a while. I'll talk to him when I get home. So, enjoy your movie partner while you have him!" I sigh. I'm on my bed, I woke up to my phone's ringtone because Liz called me 6am (!).

"You know I was kidding, right?. Are you seriously considering end this before it even started?"

"It's terrible to admit this, but I'm so into Peter it is embarrassing! I know it's totally reckless to just forget about everything that happened this years and just jump on his arms. And trust me, I'm not going to. But I mean, it's not okay to keep Gael hanging on me. If Peter didn't show up things would be different for sure, but at this moment he's all I'm thinking about. It's not fair to Gael..."

"Okay, I was not aware this was getting kinda serious. Damn, Lara Jean! Gael is such an amazing guy, you were having so much fun together and now you're going to cut him off because of your complicated ex that poordy out of nowhere? Girl, that's insane. He cheated on you, LJ!"

"Like I didn't know that..." I sigh. "Liz, it's not like that. I can take care of myself."

"I think you're being totally reckless. But, of course I'll support you don't matter what. Just make sure you're doing the right thing _before_ you make up your mind, okay?"

"Okay. Love you too."

I told Liz before I event tell myself, but that's the truth. I'm in love with Peter Kavinsky.


	16. Are you gonna tell?

I feel like during my life I was always in love. I haven't dated that much, I kissed just a few guys during my entire life. Yet, when I think back I was always secretly suffering for someone, even if this person didn't know I exist. Josh was an example. When I think of him, I realize I really miss those days when we were best friends and the way things were between us.

So when it comes to love, my sisters and Liz don't take me that serious. They say I fall in love with every sweet guy I ever meet. I don't agree, but I definitely can't desagree. It's not _every_ guy. Margot it's right about me, I love the feeling of being in love. And I guess that's why I can't take my promise anymore.

After a long FaceTime with Margot and Kitty, they both agreed that maybe it was time to talk to Gael, and of course, talk to Peter. Even Margot said that everyone deserves a second chance, but right after this sentence she blamed her emotions on her pregnancy hormones.

So today I'm having lunch with Peter. I'll talk to him and let him know what I'm feeling. That's the right thing to do. Isn't it?

I'm at Corner Café again, I figured this is a nice place to give him the news. Butterflies are up and down my stomach while I imagine his reaction. We're supposed to meet at 1pm, it's already 1:30 when I arrive, because I'm way too familiar with his late way of life. I search him with my eyes, but he's not here yet.

So I take a table and order a bottle of water and grab my phone.

_**LJ: I'm here already.**_

I haven't talk to Gael. I'm still figuring what to say. I didn't want to end this through the phone, but I have no other choice,I can't just let him lingering. I try to stop thinking about him for a moment, I've been avoiding his messages always finding some excuse that I'm too busy to talk.

While I wait, I grab my phone and there's a new text.

_**John: hey, I'm going back home Friday. Wanna come with me? I hate driving alone.**_

_**LJ: I can't, I came in my car. Guess you'll have to listen to your terrible playlists by yourself**_

_**John: you have no taste in music Lara Jean**_

_**LJ: don't 'Lara Jean' at me, u know I'm right**_

_**John: Maybe. I'd rather listen to your snore anyway**_

_**LJ: I don't snore! **_

The waitress snaps her fingers calling for my attention, she's asking if I want to order something else. I notice now I was totally focused on my texts with John, smiling with my eyes fixed on my phone. Will I ever stop feeling like this when it comes to John Ambrose? I don't think so.

We keep texting, talking about silly things. He tells me about his mother, that is currently traveling around Europe with her bestfriend. John's mother, Angela McLaren, is way different then Mrs Kavinsky. First, because she's my number one fan. And second because she is the mother-in-law everyone dreams about. She used to send me homemade cakes sometimes and then used to call me to have a feedback, because according to her, I'm the best baker she knows. Angela calls to John every Sunday, and when we were together she always asked to talk to me, to know if there were anything she could do for us. She's an amazing woman and we used to talk about everything. And she kind of reminds me of Stormy, so that's another reason why I love her.

I finished my water, John stopped replying me and I'm just scrolling through the Instagram feed. It's already 2:20, and I sent two more texts to Peter asking where is he. I'm getting annoyed...

_**Peter: something popped up last minute, can't come sorry**_

Guess I'll just order my lunch, then.

...

In my way home, my dad called and ask me to grab something for Trina's headache, and since my date just blew off I figured I could get some facial masks and new nail polishes to enjoy the night on my own. So, I have a quick stop by the pharmacy. While I'm waiting I pick up my phone just to pass the time.

_**Gael: LJ, is there something wrong? Sorry if I put too much pressure on you. I was so excited I didn't bother thinking about what you would like to do. **_

_**LJ: I'm just kinda distracted, it's fine.**_

_**Gael: I know. I'll stop interrupting your family time, okay? Text me whenever you feel like.**_

...

I don't know how exactly I manage to always put myself in this type of situation. Rebecca is yelling at me and I'm in the shower, just hoping that the warm water will soften all this fight.

"I'm so tired of this bullshit, Peter! It's clear that you're lying to me. You keep acting like you're a teenager. Can you at least pay attention to what I'm saying?"

"I am paying attention" I roll my eyes at her. Shit, will she ever stop talking?

"So are you gonna tell me about your 'friend' you were going to meet for lunch?"

"I already said, it was nothing. I know we have history, but she is just a friend now. Ok?" Rebecca is right. I'm lying. Don't get me wrong, there's no point telling my ex-almost-fiancé I've been spending my nights with my ex-girlfriend from high school. At least, not when she is vulnerable and I'm the only person she got.

"Yeah, right. You're a son of a bitch, Peter Kavinsky."

She walks out the bathroom slapping the door. Great, my mother will soon ask her about it and then it will be them two against me.

When Rebecca called me and asked me to come to NY, I felt like it was an obligation. I mean, two weeks before she was the woman I was getting married. When I got there I was happy with my decision of breaking up, otherwise she was a total mess. Even when we knew her father was alright, the fact that we broke up and he had to be hospitalized really messed with her. She has to go back to her anxiety pills, and I could tell her eating disorder was back too.

That's when my mother reached her phone and offered to take care of her. Rebecca was fragil, and her relationship with her mother is not the best. She doesn't want her father to have any concern, since he's recovering. So we agreed she could be here, for a week or two, so we both could take care of her.

What I didn't expect was that she was going to misunderstand my signs. And yesterday, when I came home, it all fell apart. As I entered my room, I was surprised by her on lingeries under my sheets.

"Where were you? Though you would never come back." She was blinking at me with those malicious eyes. It's so hard to say no to Rebecca...

"With a friend... well I'm here now. Listen if you wanna sleep here, I'll grab my things and crash on the couch..." I started but she interrupted me right away.

"Babe, you kidding right? I know we are not... well, we are in this awkward place right now, but you don't have to sleep on the couch." Rebecca standed up and walked on my direction.

"Becca, I just... this will only make it all more confusing than it already is." I sighed, trying to avoid eye contact. I know she's my ex, but I'm still human. And this situation is pretty tempting to me.

"Bae... I really, really don't wanna sleep alone..." I realized the shift on her voice. She's actually hurt by my attitude, feeling rejected. Rebecca is usually very proud, she never really beg for things. This was unexpected.

"Listen, we're not doing anything ok? And I'd really prefer if you put you pajamas on."

"Sure" she whispered. Rebecca opened my wardrobe and grabbed the first t-shirt she could find, a black one that must be older than Owen. "I didn't bring any pajamas, so..."

We laid together, staring at each other. My bed it's way to small for both of us, so our bodies were ouching a bit. I started thinking about tragedies and disgusting things to prevent this to turn into something else. I

"What happened Peter?" she asks, her voice is so tiny like she is about to cry.

"What do you mean?"

"When did you stop desiring me?"

"Hey, stop that. You know I never did... we just want diferent things."

"At the moment, all I want is you. But I guess it's a loosing game." Now I know she's definitely crying.I hold her against my chest and her tears wet my shirt. Damn.

"You are beautiful, and you have an amazing personality. I'm in love with the person you are, ok? Don't ever forget that. My feelings about you will never change."

I guess she was too tired, because she fell asleep just a few minutes later. When I woke up, she was still holding me and I felt terrible. Yet, when she woke up she was in a way better mood. Until my mother start talking about Lara Jean during breakfast.

"That friend you're going to have lunch with, is not Lara Jean is it?" My mother asked, casually. If I didn't know her so well I could believe she was just curious.

"Who's Lara Jean?" Rebecca asked, as she cut her pancakes, suddenly paying attention.

"She... she's a girl I used to date back in high school." I stutter. _Why my mother is doing this right now?_ I wonder_._

"Oh, that girl you told me about when you broke up with me? The first girl you love and whatever?" I could see the anger turning into jealous and into anger, again and again In here eyes. I was sincerity afraid she would throw her fork in my eyes. I just nodes, staring at my food to avoid her deadly look.

"You knows I'll go upstairs take a shower".

Well, now she's pissed with me, and I'm pissed with my mother. And Lara Jean is probably pissed with me too. How come I'm always the one who screw up?


	17. Ex

"If you had to choose between loosing your baking skills or never being able to eat chocolate for the rest of your life, what would you choose?" John Ambrose's voice echoes through my phone. We're both packing our stuff so he called me on my phone to make this less annoying. I decided to leave Thursday, so I'll have the weekend off to prepare myself for going back to work. John was thinking about leave by Friday, but than he decided that we could go together in different cars. Which means we got two more days left on our hometown.

I'm surrounded by a mountain of clothes I took from the washing machine. God, there are three women in this house – two of them don't even live here anymore, but still there are way too many clothes in here.

"There's no way I can answer this, you know that!" I giggle and so does he.

"You have to! That's the point!"

"It's absolutely not fair" I'm kind of distracted by my chores. I'm holding up two pairs of socks trying to figure out if they are mine or Kitty's. _Either way, I think I'm going to just put it in my bag._

"Hey LJ, I'll have to go. Gotta get some groceries. So, I'll see you Thursday then?"

"Sure. Let me know if you need anything, ok? Love you"_ What about this panties? Are they mine? Well, could be because I recall having one exactly this color, but they seem a little too large. I'll ask Trina..._

"Hm.. LJ?" He calls my attention which I reply with a 'huh?'. "Nothing... you just... you said 'i love you'... He giggles.

"No, I didn't" _Did I? I think I did. Oh my God. Oh. My. God._

"Yes, you did... But is just the old habit I guess" John clears his throat, and giggle a little.

"Oh my God, John. I'm so... I didn't mean to... I mean I wasn't paying attention... Oh my, why am I so... John... I don't know what to say!" I stumble at my words. Why the HELL did I say "i love you" to my ex?! I mean I used to say this every time we said goodbye when we were together, so it's probably because of habits. But still! I'm so embarrassed I can even... That's probably the reason why you should NOT call your ex, sober or not.

"Anyway I gotta go. See you!" I can tell by his voice he is smiling, though he's trying to hide it.

Ok, so the thing about being friends with ex-boyfriends is that you really have to be careful with your old habits. My thoughts turn to another ex, Peter Kavinsky. Yesterday he left me waiting for him, and since then he hasn't spoken to me. Not a single text. Maybe he had another emergency with Rebeca and went back to NY? Maybe he's working? I don't want to overthink this. Last time I did, things got pretty awkward.

...

I'm seating on the floor of my old bedroom, with my laptop and a bunch of papers surrounding me. I know that's probably not the most comfortable position to be working, but I have no choice. Rebeca hasn't speak to me since yesterday. After our argument, she spent the rest of the day with my mother. Now she's here, refusing to eat her breakfast. And I know for sure the last time she ate was about 3pm yesterday.

"You know you'll have to talk to me at some point, right?" I glance at her. She shrugs and keep staring at her book. She's on my bed, with my t-shirt and her hair up in a bun. That's something about her: even though we've been together for a couple years it's rare to see her like this. Even when she's home, she have the nicest pajamas and her hair seems to be always pretty even when she wakes up. No wonder she's works as model sometimes, the girl is just stunning. But now she even looks like a normal human girl, even with her pores showing and dark circles around her eyes.

"Ok, you don't have to talk to me _now_. But please, can you eat your breakfast? C'mon, It's your favorite!" I made her some avocado toast and banana smoothie. Tried to do as pretty and instagramable as possible, because I know she loves taking pictures of her food. Yet, her plate still at the same place I left about thirty minutes ago: at the bed table.

"Look, can't you just drink the smoothie at least?" I beg for the hundredth time already.

"Fine. I'll do it. If you decide to be honest with me." She finally speaks. I take a deep breath and nod at her. "Is she the reason you break up with me? Were you cheating on me or something?" Rebeca's face is both sad and furious, but her words come out soft like that's a normal conversation.

"No, I didn't cheat on you. And actually – I'm not saying this for making you mad, but you were the one who ended it. I just said you I wasn't ready to be a married guy. That doesn't mean I wanted us to end" Of course, my sentence just make her seem even more angry.

"Oh really? Let's see this from my perspective, okay? So you came to me one night, after my best friend tells me that you bought me a ring and after you inviting me to "spend some time to get to know your mother", and you say the exactly words and I quote: 'Hey Rebeca, I don't know how to say this, but I was going to propose to you but then I realized I'm not ready for this level of commitment. I'm too young and there are things I still want to do in life...' Oh, and then you tell me about the time in college when you cheated your girl because she didn't gave you the attention you needed." She shuts the book and put it down to face me for the first time, right in my eyes. "What exactly did you expect me to do? Beg you to marry me? Or maybe assume that 'okay, so maybe he's trying to say he really wants to cheat on me' and be cool with it?" Rebeca sighs "You're pathetic, and selfish. You're an arrogant son of a bitch." Some tears pop on the corner of her eyes but she quickly manage to dry them with the back of her hands.

I really can't argue with that – maybe just the cursing me part. Putting things in perspective, my intentions weren't as clear as I thought they were. Actually, I don't even know what my intentions were, I was just so messed with Lara Jean's presence...

"I'm sorry, I don't even have an excuse to that. I didn't realize I was been a jerk" I frown.

"Of course!" she rolls her eyes. At least, she reaches for the glass and sip a little. Maybe to fill the silence that hangs above us.

I sigh. "Right. I'm lying, and I know I'm a terrible liar so I'm sorry if I called you crazy." I feel my face burning with the most unpleasant feeling – shame. "I will tell you everything, but I need you to understand it had nothing to do with you. I don't really know what's happening to me, to be honest... I need you to promise me you will listen the whole truth, without jumping into conclusions."

She sign with her hands for me, inviting me to sit right in front of her. That's what I do, but she still look away avoid my gaze. I sigh again. I hold her hand and start from the beginning, I need Rebecca to know I might be in love with Lara Jean.

...

A/N: Okay so I might have disappeared for a while, but turns out I was feeling kind of anxious about all things going on right now lol. Hope you guys are safe wherever you are in the world! I expect to post more chapter this week.


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